Awkwadorable!

Inception

2010-07-18T21:09:00.000-07:00

Some early thoughts about the reception on this movie and why it's awesome. No plot points or spoilers, kind of. But, just to be safe, see the god damn movie before reading this. Just for good measure.

Holy shit Batman! It's not a sequel, it's not a comic book movie, it's not a reboot ... it's ... it's a really good movie. Really good. Yes, it blew me away, but I'm not going to deem it my new God. It's up there with the best of 'em, I mean come on, it's a Nolan Flick. A smart, complex, confusing, awesome new world that was dreamed up by Nolan whilst filming Memento (I think.) It's an action-y sci-fi heist-y crime movie. It's not groundbreaking, I mean maybe on some level for visuals, but I mean, groundbreaking? That's going a little far in my opinion.

But yes, it's a fantastic film. Fantastic performances all around, and the story - well, I'm not going to spoil anything - the story is something for you to see for yourself - I'm in no mood to try and explain it in a review of a movie. Review, not recap. Plus, it's like 16 stories in one, and when they say dreams within dreams within dreams, it's exactly like that: complex as hell. It was an an interesting journey - a very fast paced 2 and a half hour complex journey. Nolan has a few old timey movie tricks up his sleeve so that he doesn't completely lose you: isn't it nice when a new guy comes along and asks questions and gets things explained to them? Well, Ellen Page, thank you. The audience needed you. As well as some fun dialogue between Tom Hard's 'Forger' and Josph Gordon-Levitt's 'Point Man.' Again, so much is going on in this movie, but it's not hard to keep track of.

We are constantly taken care of, flashbacks, little pieces of the puzzle being added one at a time, slow motion, little reminders here and there. Twas quite nice. But yes, it's bumpy and aggravating at times - like any crazy movie - it takes time to unravel, you have to have (oh dear god,) patience! Yes, I'm talking to you, bitch three seats to my left texting and constantly checking the time. (Insert rant about how idiotic and rude and disrespectful and annoying that is HERE.)

Now, we are going to dive in to the people who are going to compare Inception to the Dark Knight. Here is a fact, just to get it out of the way, because you know, people probably don't already know: this movie IS NOT the Dark Knight. In some respects, this film is better than the Dark Knight, and in others, the Dark Knight wins. Big fucking surprise! In two years you'll get your next Batman installment, so just fucking hold tight and stop bitching. Anyway, while the emotional core of this movie is considered 'weak' by some, and I understand why, because in some sense it is pretty weak, but I got by that, I let that go and kept following the story. Nolan is a fantastic director and writer when it comes to the emotional core of a story. I mean look at Harvey effin Dent from DK. We all understood what had happened to him, we related to that, and it was emotionally devastating, which makes the end of that movie work ... well the entire movie actually. Now when comparing the emotional core, DK wins, but again, don't compare, two different movies. Entirely.

This movie is beautiful. The anti-gravity, the whole dream thing - how it works, the rules, the everything. It was nice. However, on another level, personally, I have had some pretty fucked up dreams. And some pretty fucking awesome dreams. In comparison, Nolan's dream world was pretty tame. It had to be realistic, and I understood that, it was a realistic setting, realistic movie - there was no room for unicorns and talking plants, and flying projections of your mother saying you're not good enough and such. I'm glad nobody is going into my head. A little part of me wanted to see all the dream craziness, but that's a different movie. For this movie, I bought it and it worked. I was thrown into THAT world, and for 2 and a half hours, nothing else mattered. I'm an escapist at heart, so I was at home during this flick. A good chunk of people will see this movie a second and third time. I have only seen it twice, and I plan on going only once more. The second time I caught more things, understood shit a boat load better, and I enjoyed it just as much.

The ending ... well, it's a decent ending. Leaves you with two sides. (Actually, it's kind of funny. You know that Shyamalan-ish, soap opera-y, "it was just a dream" fake out concept? Yah, well, usually it's a fairly negative thing, a complaint, but here? Here it works.) You will leave the theater talking. Debating. Arguing. Explaining. And that is fantastic! A movie that makes you think! Holy shit! It makes you think the entire way through, it makes you concentrate! And please, when the screen goes blank and the credits start to roll, listen. Just listen. You'll know everybody's response by the noise they make. I heard groaning, quite a few yes's, a few no's, an awwwww or two, a lot of silence, and several neutral guttural noises.

See it in IMAX. Totally worth it. Yeah, it's not in 3D, no heavy crazy IMAX cameras were used, but just the [hate to say it] IMAX experience is worth it. For the score and soundtrack alone, it's worth it. Hans Zimmer's the man. Johnny Marr, too. Oh yeah, and Edith Piaf. Haha Marion Cotillard. Does Nolan do commentaries? There better be one and some kick ass special features on la DVD. Don't wait for DVD on this one, if you must, see it in a regular theater. Nothing will beat that experience.

So, put on your thinking cap, prepare for a mind fuck, some great acting, masterful story telling, and a good time.

Moviegasm

2010-07-15T17:07:00.000-07:00

I don't see a MySpace movie coming out anytime soon. Tom is too boring.

How long would a movie about Twitter be?

Due to its awesomeness, this trailer deserves it's own post.

Ooooh Jesse Eisenberg! So awkward and neurotic and DREAMY!

I bring you David Fincher's The Social Network!

May I also point out the spooky rendition of Creep by Radiohead that hovers in the background.

HTML is being a bitch so click here to see the trailer. Or here. Or here. Click here. Either or. One of them might be porn. Enjoy!

Back in Black [and Blue]

2010-07-14T15:27:00.000-07:00

Side note: I'm currently on pain killers from an operation I had on a whole in my face, (you know, the one that talks,) and I'm still a little black and blue from the surgery. Please pardon any lack of sassynes s or sarcasm in this post. If anything, I won't remember posting this because of the acid-like high I'm on right now. Candy canes! See, I have no idea what I'm saying.

This should be fun.

Seriously though, where the fuck am I?

Anyway, the summer of 2010 is well underway, along with blockbusters and shit bombs, and trailers for the Fall season! One of the only movies this summer that I'm anticipating, Inception, is coming to theaters on Friday. So, before that total mindfuck and review, I'd thought I'd point out other stuff that I recently got excited for. There will be some major linkage down below because I don't want to murder this post with a billion trailers.

First up, let's get Galifianakis out of the way. Yes, The Hangover was pretty funny, but oh by the Gods of IMDB do not let us forget his early works: that's right, I'm looking at you Corky Romano, Bubble Boy, and Out Cold!

Dinner For Schmucks - All you had to say was Paul Rudd. He will play a good straight-man against Steve Carrell and Galifianakis' oddball characters. Watch both trailers.
Due Date - Yes, next project from the director of la Hangover, Todd Phillips. It's a kind of buddy-comedy but everything goes wrong road-trip hybrid. Plus there's Robbie Downey Jr and Galifianakis! They are both on rolls. [Roles?]
And the last Galifianakis project: It's Kind of a Funny Story. This one is trailer on the page worthy:

For this next group of flicks, I'm just going to be spitting them out like ... thinks that liked to be spit out. [Lindsay Lohan knows what I mean.] Just the title, the link, and then three or four extra words and names, you know, for pizazz. PIZAZZ!

The Other Guys - Will Ferrell being loud. Surprise. And Wahlberg, Mark Wahlberg.

Scott Pilgrim VS The World - Edgar Wright - 'nough said.

Let Me In - The sad kid from The Road. And the director of Cloverfield. And vampires.

Get Low - Bill Murray - 'nough said

The Adjustment Bureau - Just plain old mildly interested in this one. Mildly.

RED - John Malkovich as John Malkovich in: John Malkovich. Helen Mirren is a fox.

Devil - M. Night. Shama-suck is involved with this one. The trailer is ... surprisingly spooky - oh god, he's just getting my hopes up again. DAMN YOU!

And if there is one thing that this post has taught me, always fully watch/check the link before you post it. Always.

Fucking YouTube.

Funny Things That I Think Are Funny [12]

2010-03-27T22:54:00.000-07:00

Oh, wait, Stalin was just a jerk? Ohhhhhhh - that explains it. This is funny for the sole reason of it's stupidity. People are dumb. What's left of the History Major inside of me just EXPLODED.

Spring has Sprong!

2010-03-25T22:32:00.000-07:00

Or is it sprang? Sprung? Spring - wait, no. Spryng? Well shit. The weather is getting nicer - fuck it. Here is a pretty picture of flowers and maybe a kitten:

I think I may vomit.

Well anyway, just in time for Spring, here is a movie review. It involves all things spring: medical students on spring break, the Norwegian Alps, snow, zombies, Nazi's, and Nazi-Zombies.

Zombies: oh yes, I do enjoy a good zombie film. Nazis: I am quite the history buff and I do enjoy Hitler and his shenanigans. Wait, these two things together? Nazi-Zombies? HELL YES! This movie was cliche-tastic! This flick embraced them, exploited them, made reference to a few of them, and made it look ultra-gory-licious. Many people are saying this is a clear rip-off of Evil Dead 1 & 2 and apparently there is a WWII video game with Nazi Zombies ... but I say you can never get enough Nazi-Zombies, and when one wants to include them in any aspect of entertainment: DO IT!

The movie itself in dialogue references Evil Dead 1 & 2, and there are some awesome deaths, [with one in particular that is quite Evil Dead-ish,] so this movie is more of an homage to that flick and other films like it. The walking cliche, Erlend (a fat funny guy obsessed with movies - who has sex first ... hint hint,) is even wearing a "Brain Dead" t-shirt!!! Brain Dead aka Dead Alive aka my all time favorite Peter Jackson movie and classic horror comedy shtick flick.

I said 'Dead Alive' - not the band Dead or Alive. Shit.

You spin me right round baby right round! One of my favorite cliche-erific moments was when the few cabin mates left decide to split up. Not only does that mean certain death, but the two that leave the cabin then think about splitting up themselves!! That's double the death! So, if you like your horror movies cliche-tastic-erific, funny, subtitled, gory, and quite snowy, you are in luck sir.

I can't tell you how many times any given character heard a noise far away, said "Hello? Anybody there?" or said the another characters name and then investigated it further. I lost count after the 6th time. Yes, and it had one of my favorite, slightly under-used cliche, the accidental death, or the "whoopsy daisy," as Daniel Day-Lewis might say. PS: one of the actors names is Stig Frode Henriksen. Really. That is his name. By the way, the opening scene of this moofie was fantastic. Or it just could be my love for classical music and chase sequences.

Alice in Whatderland

2010-03-20T17:42:00.000-07:00

Alice in ... Wonderland? Underland? Whatderland?

Just to get this out of the way: I'm done with people complaining about how this film wasn't 'Tim Burton-y enough' or it was 'light/diet Tim Burton.' I'm not saying this is like at-his-best wacky Beetlejuice or Eddie Scissorhands Tim Burton, but it's far better than [dare I speak of it,] Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Yes, goths and Hot Topic-tards are going to rejoice with the black & white striped clothing that will be released, with a splash of red here and there, but who are you to judge what is and isn't Tim Burton? I think that's up to his fucked up head if you ask me.

The movie-film wasn't as dark as Sweeney [uh, hello PG rating] but it wasn't as bright and fantastical as Charlie and the Shit Factory. Fantastical maybe, but still dark. The start of the flick really excited me - it was like a Victorian-ish Kandinsky painting - with not people walking around, but over-the-top character-nitwits snobbing it up left and right as an absurdist portrait of a fancy time. Leo Bill [who played the ginger twit in the beginning and end] was delightful - a perfect caricature for a Tim Burton film. He was also in Tarsem's 'The Fall' - another visually astonishing flick.

Performance wise, you have Sir Jonathan Depp, so you kind of know what you are getting into. Also, it's Depp in a Burton flick, so you should really know what you are getting into. It's Depp for the sake of Depp - no complaints, but nothing miraculous either. The mood changing eyes and somebody always having to stop him before he goes bonkers was a nice touch. I also liked the red hair. His face bothered me quite a bit though - twas a little too stagey for me. If this was a play, it would have looked spectacular, the paleness, the cheekbones sticking out and the eyes - wow! But on film, it didn't transfer over that well to me. And besides the audibility problems, it was just OK.

I have heard wonders about Mia Bom Chicka Wawasikowska. [Fuck you Papp for getting to the word play of her last name before I could.] I have also heard about how Anne Hathaway blows. I am actually quite the opposite. I didn't have too too much of a problem with la White Queen, yes things here and there like all the gesturing and faces - but, on the other hand, we have Alice. Nothing really blew me away about Alice. I saw acting - I saw her acting - it was quite upsetting actually. You are not supposed to see acting in a movie - especially in a really good one.

I adored everything about Helena Bonham Carters' Red Queen. Besides the whole being the play-thing of the director, the role did really suit her. Perfectly over-the-top and she stole every scene she was in. Her court really did just slap me with awesomeness and I was in awe. From the monkeys holding candles and tables and such, the frogs and pigs and fish in suits, oh and the people behind her. Perfect. The other over-sized body parts were just fantastic. Ears, nose, stomach, ta-tas, and chins and foreheads and such. They didn't speak much, but visually, they packed a punch.

I wonder if Depp or Burton asked Crispin about his role in Epic Movie.

Crispin Glover. Oh, where do we begin? Besides being one of the only visual things that took me out of Wonderland, [Underland? Meh, fuck it,] he was just blehck. He is lanky and gangly already, so why add a few unnecessary feet to him? He actually wraps his "arm" around Depp's neck in one scene, and it just looked fake. Fake is a harsh term for a CGI-heavy movie - and I only wanted to use it once. He reminded me of a goth Gumby. [Fuck you Papp again for making the Back to the Future reference before I could.] I have start seeing movies sooner. Jeez.

Other performance thoughts: I guess I just wanted more Cheshire Cat, less Doormouse, A LOT more March Hare [my favorite side-character by far - the tea-party side had me chuckling like crazy,] I was fine with the Caterpillar, more lines for Matt Lucas would have been nice, (the Tweedle's were underused,) the White Rabbit was fine, the Dodo bird was forgettable, Timmy Spall's Bayard the hound was delightful, more flower people would be preferable, and finally I think I would have been content if the Jabberwocky stayed silent. Maybe they should have lent Christopher Lee's voice to the Bandersnatch. Burton had to get him in there somewhere I suppose. Anyway, I'm pretty sure if there were more of the supporting characters, that would make them not 'supporting' anymore and I suppose they would over shadow Alice MORE than they already do.

I'm pretty sure they only reason it was in 3D was because of Avatar and so that the March Hare could throw things at the audience and people could go "Whoa!" Danny Elfman's score was pretty tame, and I'm ignoring the Avril Lavigne song used for the credits. I'm a sucker for chess and playing card themed shit. I was in heaven. I also hope that Tim Burton stays away from The Addams Family. Talks are that he wants to do a stop-motion type thing and get back into that, which is a little better than a live-action or 3D version.

Yes, the story is sacrificed over a copper bowl of goat's blood so that we could be bedazzled and shma-shmazed visually, and boy does it bedazzle, but this flick does fall into some old patterns. While some think that the flick isn't Burton enough, I think it's just fine. Alice has to jump onto floating dead people's faces to get across the moat to the Red Queen's castle. Really? Not Burton enough for you? How about we throw in a Knave of Hearts rape scene? Will that satisfy your urge? The film is entertaining. It's just what I needed. I am quite the escapist, and it was nice to be transported to the creepy perverted mind of Lewis Carroll and the demented brain of Tim Burton. Besides a few dance bits at the end of the movie that I am erasing from my head, it was enjoyable.

Funny Things I Think Are Funny [11]

2010-03-15T17:39:00.000-07:00

I want a lamb. RIGHT NOW.

I really really need to buy a farm or some animals or something. There will be cute videos and pictures flying out of this blog like nobody's business!

I also need to buy a gun - to shoot the woman speaking in this video. Maybe the lamb was trying to get away from her hideous shriek of a voice.

Funny Things I Think Are Funny [10]

2010-03-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

A funny SNL skit? Yah, there are still some out there. Thank you Bobby Moynihan and Pearl Jam, thank you.

Things that should have got a laugh [or a bigger laugh:] Jude Law's many crazy faces, the "Everyone here is smoking on the plane" line, Bobby Moynihan in the "Gremlin" suit, and the last minute of the sketch with the 'Gremlin' wife.

Bravo SNL.

Pan's Labyrinth

2010-03-13T22:42:00.000-08:00

Let me guess. You saw this and just shit yourself, right?

I recently told somebody that I haven't seen Pan's Labyrinth ... and they scolded me. Harshly. Now that I have indeed seen this movie film, I know why their tongue was so quick to lash out. This flick is gorgeous. Is it a fairy tale? Yes. Is it a war movie? Yes. Like Papp said, this move works on several different levels. I don't know what kind of mythologies and fairy tales that del Toro grew up with, but they would probably scare the shit out of me. I might show this movie to my kids when they turn 17. Maybe. It depends on how many nightmares I want to give them. Hell, my father let me see A Clockwork Orange and The Shining when I was 11 years old, and there is nothing wrong with me! [Wait, just thought about that ... this actually explains a lot. I am fucked up! HA!] Thanks dad.

Anyway, I am a fan of anything Cafe FX - the special effects throughout looked amazing. Violence wise ... fairy/insect wise ... blood and such. Cafe also did a lot of work on Stephen King's The Mist. I love dark, dark movies and color palates because when there is blood, it really POPS. The motions and movements of Faun and Pale Man still creep me out - Doug Jones is a master of miming and movement and he just rocked it. Something I have been mentioning in recent reviews are acts and examples of 'Character Douchebaggery.' The Captain [Vidal] is certainly a douche nozzle, and it almost reaches Col. Hans Landa proportions. Near the end of the flick, with his encounter with a knife, his "smile" reminded me of Jack Nicholson's Joker. I cringed and flipped out and just lost it at that point.

That is how invested I was in the characters and in the story [stories.] del Toro has a masterpiece here - it delighted me, frightened me, and upset me. It made me think. Oh, and can we just talk a second about transitions? Every single time this movie transitioned into another scene I was just in awe. It was done superbly - subtle but amazing. Now I'm humming that lullaby - I just watched the second disc with the special features and he just went into detail about the colors and look of the movie. [I think he knew I was writing this.] See this movie. Reminded me of the movie 'The Fall' - many different levels and layers - the colors themselves tell a story - effective editing and such. They are both great flicks.

I think Ebert said that this is a 'fairy tale for grown ups.' I agree and disagree with that. It tingles my inner child, so could it be a fairy tale for that? It's certainly not just for kids - I have a poor dead Spanish boy with his face broken and nose smashed in from the movie in to agree with me. Some parts yes, others no. All in all, it's an orgy for the senses - it feeds your imagination and creeps you the fuck out. It's brilliant. Just brilliant.

Funny Things I Think Are Funny [9]

2010-03-12T09:15:00.000-08:00

She's just a stupid bitch!

Papp Schnapp's Movie Recaps: Spiderman 3

2010-03-10T14:09:00.000-08:00

I am pleased to bring back my friend John Papp's sassy and awesome movie reviews and other such nonsense. Oh, and with all this talk of a Spiderman reboot with maybe-director Mark Webb from (500) Days of Summer fame, and the shitty Spiderman broadway musical that has been delayed thousands of times, what can be more relevant? Here is a short but sweet one:

Looks almost as painful as watching this movie.

[Note, this shit has zero stars. I only gave it half so you could see the review.]

This movie is a piece of fucking shit.

The entire thing is so lazily fucking put together, that Sam Raimi couldn't give a shit whether we're interested or not, he just wants our fucking money.

First of all, these characters are adults. So why do they fucking act like little pussy emo bitches who cry and whine and go to the mall? God, the script makes every possible character (including Aunt May) into a black-wearing, long hair over the face-sporting, eye shadow-wearing emo fucking cunt. When Peter goes "evil"? Yeah, he turns emo. Ooooh, character development!

Yeah, fuck this steaming pile of horse vomit.

Villains? Way too fucking many. Fuck Venom. Why did Topher Grace play him? Can someone answer that? A musclebound alien played by the dork from That 70s Show? Tom Church's Sandman is played well, but the movie stops giving a shit about him halfway through. James Franco squints and pouts like a little spoiled brat.... Er, okay. That's fine, then. Franco's cool.

But there are so many goddamn characters jammed into this, that none of them serve any purpose whatsoever. By the time the movie's done, you've stopped caring at all, because the only thing mattering are the effects, which, while awesome, shouldn't be the main draw considering the previous two were about characterization.

AND THAT STUPID PLOT TWIST. "Hi, I'm the butler who's gonna show up in the 3rd act and change your personality completely and then fade into the background!"

Who fucking wrote this movie, a retarded giraffe?

Spider-Man 3 is the worst movie I've ever seen.

Not really, but I'm glad to say that I enjoy Batman & Robin more than this stupid, unfunny, and ultimately retarded attempt at me exchanging money for a shit-smeared dog semen fest that calls itself a "movie".

Zero fucking stars.

Funny Things I Think Are Funny [8]

2010-03-10T14:06:00.000-08:00

Catchphrase!

Oh, and Oscars wise, I pretty much nailed them besides Best Foreign Language Film and some of the technical awards. Twas an easy year for guessing.

Funny Things I Think Are Funny [7]

2010-03-09T10:21:00.000-08:00

French people are le crazy.

70 Million de Hold Your Horses !
by logreproduction

YAY ART!

Brendan Fraser, You Need To Stop.

2010-02-28T20:58:00.000-08:00

Please, take this request, just stop it. Stop what, you ask? Everything. Just stop. STOP! We all saw your awkward clap at the Golden Globes, and most of us didn't see Journey to the Center of the Earth, but you Brendan Fraser, need to stop. What? You didn't see his ridiculous clap? Well here is the link: prepare to lose a few brain cells.

You know the voice he used in George of the Jungle? That is his real voice. In real life.

Well anyway, I am done with his career. I think he has had a good run. And when I say "I think he has had a good run" I mean that most of his filmography can be found on VHS tapes at the bottom of a toy box in an abandoned orphanage that has been set on fire. Twice.

His latest film, or abomination of cinema, or cine-bortion rather, is aptly titled Furry Vengeance. I now realize that when I say cine-bortion out load, I imagine cinnamon buns and delightful bakery treats rather than the hell and pain that Brendan Fraser has put me through these past few years. Sadly, the trailer is below - but only for the use of "told you so" and "see what I mean" and "oh my god, my eyes, my eyes are on fire, I want to kill everybody!"

Apologies to Blondie, the country of Canada, any animal involved with the making of this film, and to Brendan Fraser, because now it's just sad. His nature-themed or geography-tastic films have gone to far. Remember the good old days of Air Heads? I remember coming home from school and it was on Comedy Central or VH1: Movies that Rock. Now it's, well, all three Mummy movies [if you want to even consider the third one part of the franchise,] Dudley Do-Right, [Echk,] that Looney Tunes: Back in Action movie [Echk times 2,] Journey to the Center of the Earth [and the upcoming untitled sequel, unfortunately,] Bedazzled I don't really have a problem with that much, kind of, but what the FUCK was Monkeybone? How high did you have to be to enjoy that movie? Oh, and wasn't he in Crash? How dare the Academy affiliate themselves with Brendan Fraser.

I can't even begin to tear apart the above trailer. Remember the last time Hollywood tried to tackle the whole green issue in a proposed "blockbuster" fashion? Remember what movie tanked that was also a sequel to one of the funniest Jim Carey movies since Liar Liar? Yes - we are talking about the awful, shameful, shit-tastic, deserved to win the Razzie, yup you guessed it: Evan Almighty. And John Goodman was in it! I'm not saying that Furry Vengeance is trying or is going for 'bloclbuster' glory, and I'm not even going to try and predict the box office weekend or grand total gross, because I'd probably be wrong. Journey to the Center of the Earth made over 100 million bucks over all which to me is just UNFATHOMABLE.

Well, I am just going to ignore this trailer, and hope the the R-rated and PG-13 movies I see don't have a trailer for it. The port-a-potty gag is just bad - unless they sign on with McDonalds to make a line of toys with Brendan Fraser covered in shit. Let's see, if I had to briefly be a fortune teller or a dude who can see into the future and use his powers to describe shitty movies, I'd say there will be a plethora of funny [boarder-line retarded] faces on behalf of Mr. Fraser, we already know about the port-a-potty gag via the trailer, but we can probably add anywhere from 3 to 10 'getting hit in the crotch' gags, along with hundreds of shitty CGI animals, a messy 'people=bad environment=good' message, one more crotch gag, and some really terrible one-liners.

Working with animals, real or fake, is tough. Did Dr. Doolittle 2 teach us nothing? So, just, Brendan Fraser, would you stop hurting me, please? Make the pain go away! Oh well - the Oscars are next Sunday so I guess I'll just hang in there until then. I have nothing else to say, besides maybe what is your favorite Brendan Fraser movie? And if that question boggles you and you can't think straight - then answer what is your least favorite Brendan Fraser moofie? And Sarah Palin, if you are reading this, apologies for using the word "retarded." You retard.

Oscars Schmoscars

2010-02-24T17:29:00.000-08:00

Shiny gold statues. Blabbering celebrities. Dresses and shit. It's time for the Academy Awards! This time they are on ABC, they're 82 years old, and still as shitty as ever. I guess they caught Alec Baldwin in between taping 30 Rock and screaming at his daughter, while Steve Martin was not that busy evading producers and writers trying to show him the Pink Panther 3 script.

That is probably why they are hosting. Who will get swindled this year? What fancy-tie and jeans combo will James Cameron be sporting? Well I guess we will find out March 7th. I was horribly off with my Golden Globe predictions, so let's see how judgmental and wrong I'll be this time.

Will Tilda Swinton slither away from her alien subterranean cave for the red carpet this year?

Seriously though, Tilda Swinton is not from this planet. I actually google image searched her and had no problem trying to find an alien-like photo. On the other hand, it was pretty hard to find a photo where she looked human. A problem that no other celebrity has ... well maybe besides Gary Busey. I don't know what she was up to this year - maybe her human surrogate broke? Harvesting eggs? Growing some new skin? Who knows. All I know is that she scares me. A lot.

Anyways - usually after the Golden Globes and the British Oscars [BAFTA,] we have a good understanding of who may win what and who we don't care about. This year there is an interesting spin, with the expansion of the Best Picture category. It's all about that green stuff - not greed or envy or boogers - just cash. More movie DVD cases can write 'Best Picture Nominee' on it and such. Zang! Hollywood exposed. Right here. Information nobody else ever knew!!

I'm pretty sure I'm going to set it up like I did with the Globes - Who I WANT to win will be in red, Who I THINK will win will be in green, and if they are the SAME, it'll be in blue. I'm not anti-Avatar. It was a good movie. The best movie? Meh. I think that Avatar and District 9 will do very, very well with the technical awards - Star Trek may slip one or two in there. Now, again disclaimer: some of the nominees I want to win I know will not win - but hey, a boy can dream, right? And the nominees I think will win are just based off of popularity and the GG's and the British Oscars and buzz and such.

Performance by an actor in a leading role:

Jeff Bridges in "Crazy Heart"
George Clooney in "Up in the Air"
Colin Firth in "A Single Man"
Morgan Freeman in "Invictus"
Jeremy Renner in "The Hurt Locker"

Performance by an actor in a supporting role:

Matt Damon in "Invictus"
Woody Harrelson in "The Messenger"
Christopher Plummer in "The Last Station"
Stanley Tucci in "The Lovely Bones"
Christoph Waltz in "Inglourious Basterds"

Performance by an actress in a leading role:

Sandra Bullock in "The Blind Side"
Helen Mirren in "The Last Station"
Carey Mulligan in "An Education"
Gabourey Sidibe in "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire"
Meryl Streep in "Julie & Julia"

Performance by an actress in a supporting role:

Penélope Cruz in "Nine"
Vera Farmiga in "Up in the Air"
Maggie Gyllenhaal in "Crazy Heart"
Anna Kendrick in "Up in the Air"
Mo'Nique in "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire"

Best motion picture of the year:

"Avatar"
"The Blind Side"
"District 9"
"An Education"
"The Hurt Locker"
"Inglourious Basterds"
"Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire"
"A Serious Man"
"Up"
"Up in the Air"

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)

"Avatar"
"Fantastic Mr. Fox"
"The Hurt Locker"
"Sherlock Holmes"
"Up"
Michael Giacchino

Achievement in directing:

"Avatar"
"The Hurt Locker"
"Inglourious Basterds"
"Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire"
"Up in the Air"

Best foreign language film of the year:

"Ajami"
"El Secreto de Sus Ojos"
"The Milk of Sorrow"
"Un Prophète"
"The White Ribbon"

Enjoy the show. Laugh at the weird reaction shots of random people in the audience. Go online and look up a drinking game for the awards ceremony. Make an Oscar Nomination Pool - put in some dough and maybe you'll get some. Watch with friends, make masks, eat, drink, have fun. Don't be the snobby movie critic and be pissy the entire night and ruin everything. I've seen that happen too many times. The night is just a waste of resources! Viva la Hollywood!

More Like 'Shudder Island'

2010-02-19T15:03:00.000-08:00

Pardon the title - I've been feeling rather punny lately.

I'm surprised your still here after reading the first sentence of this post.

Martin Scorsese. Leo DiCaprio. A book to big screen remake of a Dennis Lehane novel. What more could you want? Don't be selfish now. I really really enjoyed this movie - I was hesitant after the release date was pushed back about a million times and then I watched the trailer too many times and thought I knew what was going to happen. Ha, WRONG! DiCaprio was kick ass in this flick, and if he is just as awesome as I think he'll be in Christopher Nolan's latest mind fuck Inception, I'll have an official man crush.

Now, again, just like the last moofie I took a look at, [District 9,] I will call Shutter Island a hybrid. Psychological Thriller/Drama/Crime-Noir-ish/Suspense/Hitchcockian/War-time/Dark and unrelenting, and other such descriptive words. It mixed and matched very well. It went above and beyond what I was thinking the film would do. The first hint at it's visual astonishment was during the trailer when he is holding his wife and she turns to ash. That was the first spark where I went 'Oooooh!' But again, just to beat into your heads, the visuals were breathtaking - not just the island, but the flashbacks and the contrast and how angry and harsh the reds were.

They kick your ass with the whole gloom and doom thing with the first ten minutes with the score. It just screams "Turn this boat around NOWW!!" And then there is the cliche line "A storms-a-coming." It all adds up. If the score doesn't crush your soul, then the grays and gothic look to everything will slit your throat. Please - Cinematographer, Art Director, DP, show yourselves!! I want to shake your hand[s.]

Now the last thing I want to ruin is the story, the plot - because it builds, it goes somewhere, and it doesn't stop. It just keeps pounding on you like the waves on the cliff-ridden island. You have to see it for yourself - collect the facts that are given to you, deduce some things, think and think and think. Now, I can see people being very 50/50 on this film - a very either 'Loved it' or 'Hated it' type-of-thing. Now it depends - how well do you like being fooled, like with twists and such? Some films are just hated for their twist - audiences hate being tricked, lied to and such. They see the build us as just a waste of time and then shit all over it. It can be very negative. I, however, enjoy the ride. And in most cases, the twists and turns as well.

This is not a perfect film - close maybe, but not perfect. It's few downfalls and mistakes are forgivable. Like you go 'Awww,' for a few seconds and then move on. That's what I did. The cast, in my opinion, only added to the awesomeness of the movie. I don't want to let you know which actor played this and what actress played that, because it was nice to see the talent make surprise appearances. Like when a character is introduced and you go 'Baah, that's whats' his face from you know what! Ooooo!' I love that. I did that several times during the film. The performances stand out on their own. They are all incredible.

Lastly, as a movie-goer, or film fanatic, or boyfriend/girlfriend dragged to a movie, or anything, don't get angry when a story or a character or a movie leaves you with questions. Some see a movie's job as "Hey, ask some fricken questions and then answer them, thank you very much." When it just so happens to not answer a question, or makes you scratch your head and go 'huh' or if it leaves you thinking, it did it's job. It got you to think! THINK! Shutter Island successfully does this. It's more than a movie: it's a thought, a question. YES!

Funny Things I Think Are Funny [6]

2010-02-11T10:17:00.000-08:00

Lost.

Valentine's Day.

How could these two possibly be connected?

LOST VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS!!

Found em' on LiveJournal.

LOOOOOOOOOSSSSTT!

The Real Winner? Capitalism.

2010-02-08T14:48:00.000-08:00

I bought a Snickers bar last night. I caved. Fuck you Super Bowl Ads!!

They worked. Good thing this shitty economy didn't screw things up for those corporations, right? Thank God!!!

These were my favorite commercials - totally didn't watch the game, just went on YouTube and Hulu and watched the ad re-cap.

[1] - This one hit all the sensors - I was creeped out, I laughed, I cried, I wanted to take a shower.

[2] - Michael C. Hall's voice. 'Nough said.

[3] - My love for Betty White, Snickers, and hurting old people will never cease.

Today Is Not About Football!

2010-02-07T10:33:00.000-08:00

Apparently it's all about commercials.

I read an article this morning about how this economic climate may effect [yup, you guessed it,] the Super Bowl ads and possibly even the half-time show. Where else can one spend almost 2.6 million dollars on thirty seconds? Oh my dear lord, in this economy where I can only afford ketchup packets and used pillow cases, what are the mega-corporations going to do for the Super Bowl?

Bra ad?: Nope! Beer ad?: Wrong. Buy Cheerios. NOWWWW.

What will they do? How are they going to tell me what soft drink to mercilessly inject into myself for the next year? I need talking animals selling me candies and booze! Where are the bikinis? What do you mean no bikinis? I might as well just kill myself and my family during the first quarter. Go Saints.

Oh, here is one of my all time favorite commercials from la Super Bowl. I think it was from two or so years ago, but it got pulled right after it aired - they never showed it again. I had no idea Robot Suicide was that ballsy. Who needs political correctness?

And then there is this one: again, not that funny, but something about Robert Goulet crawling on the ceiling just gave me nightmares for the rest of the month.

Enjoy the game - watch the commercials - buy buy, sell sell. Be a good consumer. Capitalism is alive and well, [today at least.] Big bro is watching you. He is also rooting for the Colts. Fuck him.

Lost In Space

2010-01-26T15:12:00.000-08:00

Driving to New Hampshire tonight. The odds of finding the island on Lost: highly unlikely.

I need to find something to do [besides re-watching Lost] until the season premiere.

OH - I have an idea: how about stare at this little countdown clock?

Done and done.

[And it might be in the wrong time zone. Meh.]

Funny Things I Think Are Funny [5]

2010-01-15T15:10:00.000-08:00

AWKWARD EDITION!

Well, with the title of this blog I think it makes sense.

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Also, something I wrote about the NBC Conan/Leno shenanigans: http://perspicacity1.com/2010/1/15.html

Funny Things I Think Are Funny [4]

2010-01-11T16:02:00.001-08:00

If you don't laugh, giggle, snort or chuckle at this, well, then you are the devil.

Funny Things I Think Are Funny [3]

2010-01-10T22:14:00.000-08:00

It's about time Saturday Night Live started getting funny again.

Most hip young people I talk to don't like the MacGruber sketches, and now that there is talk of a movie in the works, they better sell the shit out of it. Look at the cast! Shit. You go Will Forte.

Here is the latest MacGruber sketch - I laughed out loud a plethora of times.

Funny Things I Think Are Funny [2]

2010-01-06T19:46:00.000-08:00

Hip cool pop culture reference!

Funny video below ... I'm pretty sure it's a tad bit better if you've seen the flick.

Is this in poor taste? Most definitely. But totally worth it.

Also have to find a way where the video does not block the right side of the blog.

HORSEYS!

Funny Things I Think Are Funny [1]

2010-01-05T13:52:00.000-08:00

Yup. You guessed it. I post things that I think are funny. Pretty self-explanatory if you ask me. Today's installment: a youtube video.

Enjoy.

Do The Golden Globes Really Count?

2010-01-04T17:19:00.000-08:00

Well, no, not really. {Kind of.} They exist to hold us off until The Oscars. Award Shows - why do we care? Why do we watch them? To see which blabbers are cut off by classy music? To see if Tilda Swinton comes out of her human shell [we all know she is an alien.] Jeez, why is the red carpet ceremony so long? I know I don't care about it. Who is wearing what animal that was labored for over 16 and a half hours by migrant slave children? How many migrant slave children died whilst making YOUR dress?

Why are they smiling? Angelina's dress is not made yet and their hands are not even bleeding!

I'll be watching for one reason: Ricky Gervais is hosting. [Don't believe me? Check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TJBzcP3Q6g] He is funny - he will probably veer away from the teleprompter a few times - nothing unusual. The winners don't really matter. It's all about DVD sales and shiny gold and silver stickers that say "Golden Globe Nominee" or "Oscar Winner" or something. Money and Hollywood politics. That's pretty much it.

Shiny Paperweight. That's all it is.

I am watching though, so why not make a predictions list? It shall keep me busy and we can all see just how bad I am at guessing at things like this. I'll post how many I got right after the show, you know, if I didn't do that poorly. It's divided up into 2 categories: [1] The one I WANT to win & [2] The one I THINK will win. It's cool when they turn out to be the same. [When this occurs, it will be in BLUE.] I'll let you know when I'm guessing aka just plain bullshitting. [Look for the color brown. Bullshit, get it?] I took out a few categories I knew nothing about. Here we go. Enjoy:

Sorry about the caps - I'm a lazy copier and paster.

1. BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

a. AVATAR
b. THE HURT LOCKER
c. INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
d. PRECIOUS: BASED ON THE NOVEL PUSH BY SAPPHIRE
e. UP IN THE AIR

2. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

a. EMILY BLUNT [THE YOUNG VICTORIA]
b. SANDRA BULLOCK [THE BLIND SIDE]
c. HELEN MIRREN [THE LAST STATION]
d. CAREY MULLIGAN [AN EDUCATION]
e. GABOUREY SIDIBE [PRECIOUS]

3. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

a. JEFF BRIDGES [CRAZY HEART]
b. GEORGE CLOONEY [UP IN THE AIR]
c. COLIN FIRTH [A SINGLE MAN]
d. MORGAN FREEMAN [INVICTUS]
e. TOBEY MAGUIRE [BROTHERS]

4. BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

a. (500) DAYS OF SUMMER
b. THE HANGOVER
c. IT’S COMPLICATED
d. JULIE & JULIA
e. NINE

5. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

a. SANDRA BULLOCK [THE PROPOSAL]
b. MARION COTILLARD [NINE]
c. JULIA ROBERTS [DUPLICITY]
d. MERYL STREEP [IT’S COMPLICATED]
e. MERYL STREEP [JULIE & JULIA]

6. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

a. MATT DAMON [THE INFORMANT!]
b. DANIEL DAY-LEWIS [NINE]
c. ROBERT DOWNEY JR [SHERLOCK HOLMES]
d. JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT [(500) DAYS OF SUMMER]
e. MICHAEL STUHLBARG [A SERIOUS MAN]

7. BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

a. CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS
b. CORALINE
c. FANTASTIC MR. FOX
d. THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG
e. UP

9. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

a. PENÉLOPE CRUZ [NINE]
b. VERA FARMIGA [UP IN THE AIR]
c. ANNA KENDRICK [UP IN THE AIR]
d. MO’NIQUE [PRECIOUS]
e. JULIANNE MOORE [A SINGLE MAN]

10. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

a. MATT DAMON [INVICTUS]
b. WOODY HARRELSON [THE MESSENGER]
c. CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER [THE LAST STATION]
d. STANLEY TUCCI [THE LOVELY BONES]
e. CHRISTOPH WALTZ [INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS]

11. BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE

a. KATHRYN BIGELOW [THE HURT LOCKER]
b. JAMES CAMERON [AVATAR]
c. CLINT EASTWOOD [INVICTUS]
d. JASON REITMAN [UP IN THE AIR]
e. QUENTIN TARANTINO [INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS]

12. BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE

a. NEILL BLOMKAMP, TERRI TATCHELL[ DISTRICT 9]
b. MARK BOAL [THE HURT LOCKER]
c. NANCY MEYERS [IT'S COMPLICATED]
d. JASON REITMAN, SHELDON TURNER [UP IN THE AIR]
e. QUENTIN TARANTINO [INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS]

15. BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

a. BIG LOVE (HBO)
b. DEXTER (SHOWTIME)
c. HOUSE (FOX)
d. MAD MEN (AMC)
e. TRUE BLOOD (HBO)

16. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

a. GLENN CLOSE [DAMAGES]
b. JANUARY JONES [MAD MEN]
c. JULIANNA MARGULIES [THE GOOD WIFE]
d. ANNA PAQUIN [TRUE BLOOD]
e. KYRA SEDGWICK [THE CLOSER]

17. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

a. SIMON BAKER [THE MENTALIST]
b. MICHAEL C. HALL[DEXTER]
c. JON HAMM [MAD MEN]
d. HUGH LAURIE [HOUSE]
e. BILL PAXTON [BIG LOVE]

18. BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

a. 30 ROCK (NBC)
b. ENTOURAGE (HBO)
c. GLEE (FOX)
d. MODERN FAMILY (ABC)
e. THE OFFICE (NBC)

19. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

a. TONI COLLETTE [UNITED STATES OF TARA]
b. COURTENEY COX [COUGAR TOWN]
c. EDIE FALCO [NURSE JACKIE]
d. TINA FEY [30 ROCK]
e. LEA MICHELE [GLEE]

20. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

a. ALEC BALDWIN [30 ROCK]
b. STEVE CARELL [THE OFFICE]
c. DAVID DUCHOVNY [CALIFORNICATION]
d. THOMAS JANE [HUNG]
e. MATTHEW MORRISON [GLEE]

24. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

a. JANE ADAMS [HUNG]
b. ROSE BYRNE [DAMAGES]
c. JANE LYNCH [GLEE]
d. JANET McTEER [INTO THE STORM]
e. CHLOË SEVIGNY [BIG LOVE]

25. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

a. MICHAEL EMERSON [LOST]
b. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS [HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER]
c. WILLIAM HURT [DAMAGES]
d. JOHN LITHGOW [DEXTER]
e. JEREMY PIVEN [ENTOURAGE]

Up in the Air

2010-01-02T18:44:00.000-08:00

Occasionally a movie comes along, such as this one, and tingles the very fiber of my being. Other awful ways of saying it: touches my heart, pokes my soul, tickles my asshole, gives me a back rub with a very special, happy ending. Dirty enough for you? Well anyway - I was in la cinema with approximately twenty other folks - age wise, it was almost split half and half. Hipsters my age, couples in their forties/fifties, and the ancient, dusty elderly.

Remember that scene in Airplane? No? Fine. No more offbeat references for you then.

A good movie will make you laugh, a great movie will make you laugh and think and realize something about yourself. This is a great movie. When something happened, humorous or not, that I laughed at, I noticed nobody else in my age group laughed or even snickered. It was myself, the forty/fifty somethings, and the dinosaurs that were chuckling and chortling. [Go ahead, google the word chortle.] I'm pretty sure the only time the peeps my age laughed was after a one-liner from Vera Farmiga. I'm also pretty sure the only reason why they laughed was because the word 'vagina' was involved. That, along with several other instances, is when I got a-thinking ... about life, myself, my very existence, about vagina's and so forth. That is what a great movie will do. This certainly is a flick for our time ... not necessary this decade, surely this year, and probably the past few years. Is this picture a comedy? Is it a tragedy? No and no.

It's a Jason Reitman experience. His films are certainly nothing but astonishing - and this one is at the top of the list. He can make you laugh, he can make your eyes start to water, he can make you run the gauntlet of emotion in an instant. This movie is driven by everything - the three lead actors, the story, the characters, the hip soundtrack - everything. Usually scenes and transitions that are just landscape shots [aerials] anything, get on my nerves. [See Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Wait, shit, don't see that movie - I would never wish that upon anybody. Just, errrr, take my word for it.] The transitions didn't annoy me - they felt appropriate [given the title of the flick,] and the cast was very well rounded - the supporting cast [Galifianakis, JK Simmons, Sam Elliott...the list goes on...] and the real people that have been fired recently that appeared on screen, some actors, some real people. Those testimonials were a nice touch. Oh, and Reitman was up to his usual indie-hipster awesome cool soundtrack thing as well.

Nothing new - Michael Cera = awkward teenager / Kat Dennings = rebellious teenager. We've seen this before. You know, every movie they have ever been in. EVER.

The length felt just right, even though there were two times where I thought the movie was actually over. I have to find the book that this film is based off of. That is my next quest. I can't wait for Reitman's next feature - he just blows me away. G-man Clooney, Vera Farmiga [who was delightful in Orphan,] and this Anna Kendrick person were perfect. Twas the case with Kendrick and a receptionist dude played by Chris Lowell that I had deja-vu with - I enjoyed them thoroughly and I think I've seen them before. I want to see more of them. Kendrick surprised me the most. All the performances were just splendid - Vera is amazing and has a body to match - I mean DAMN! Not sure if she qualifies for Milf status yet, but mmmm. Danny McBride was a surprise - up to his usual humor and then a few nice moments.

So many airport related sexual innuendos, so little time.

I hope [and probably secretly know] that this movie better be recognized - any aspect really. I found myself connecting with Clooney's inner escapist and his philosophies a little too tooo much. It was getting scary. I have a new motto and it was one of my favorite nuggets from the flick - "Life is better with company." That and "Never trust a dude in a tunic," oddly enough, the latter one was said by Danny McBride in Land if the Lost. I don't recall ever going on about a movie for this long - so a new goal and bar set. I loved this movie. I am seeing it again. Soon. Life is indeed better with company. See this movie with everybody. Now.

2009: A Year In Review [Part One]

2009-12-23T23:32:00.000-08:00

Part One: Entertainment Schmentertainment - Things I truly enjoyed. And remembered. And stuff.

If 2009 was a person, it would look like this.

{As always, in no particular order.}

Moving Picture Films:

Up
District 9
Star Trek
The Road
Watchmen
Zombieland
Adventureland
Drag Me To Hell
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Inglourious Basterds
Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs
*At this point I had yet to see 'Up in the Air' and 'Avatar'

Sounds & Rhythms For Your Ear Holes:

Matt & Kim - Grand
Wolfmother - Cosmic Egg
Wilco - Wilco (The Album)
Morrissey - Years of Refusal
The Flaming Lips - Embryonic
Lady Gaga - The Fame Monster
Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
The Decemberists - The Hazards of Love
Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion
Modest Mouse - No One's First And You Are Next [EP]
Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds - The Soundtrack [Various Artists]
*A Special Thanks to Reid Connell for over putting 70 albums of awesomeness on my iPod. [Especially Foxy Shazam, Wolfmother, Battles, Dead Man's Bones, Chip Connell, fun., Why?, and Yeasayer.]

One Of The Many Glowing Rectangles I Stare At Daily:

Lost
Glee
Dexter
Mad Men
The Office
Community
The Simpsons
Modern Family
The Colbert Report
It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
*Arrested Development [no matter what year or what list, this will always be on it.]

Twas a fantastic year for la musica, la television [say it with an accent,] and la movie-film. Kind of. 1994 was a great year: Pulp Fiction, Shawshank, Hakuna Matata, Seinfeld, Ace of Base, Salt-N-Pepa, and so on and so forth. Lets all take the time to remember how epic 1994 was. Hmmmmm. OJ!

More tomorrow. Part 2 involves influential books and people ... as well as specifics from part 1 and runners-up.

It's been a while

2009-08-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the hiatus. Wait, who am I apologizing to? Eh, for all you guys know I could just be building up suspense for the next post. [Do you like how I said the plural form 'guys' - that's me pretending that more than one person reads this thing.] Denial is fun.

Anyway, I wrote a pretty lengthy awesome review of Tarantino's latest flick, Inglourious Basterds. Putting spelling aside, and my sloppy copy-and-paste job, enjoy:

Sadly, to be honest, I was weary of seeing this movie. Yes, I know. Tarantino, Pitt, Roth, Kruger, Novak, WWII, Hitler, Nazis, Scalps and Tyler was weary. Why, one might ask? Well, [1] the fear of expectations not being met [HA,] [2] the fear of seeing just another war movie [HAHA,] [3] the fear that for the first time that I may not enjoy a Tarantino film [HAHAHA!] Unexpectedly, fiercely, and with force, I was blown out of the theater and my scalp hit the projector. [1] My expectations were exceeded. [2] This film shouldn't float around the words 'just another war movie.' [3] This is a bright shining example of why I love Tarantino's flicks and why I will keep loving them. Note: I should NOT have been weary. Bad Tyler, BAD Tyler!!

Yes, I have created a new paragraph. Different from my usual blob of a review, I know. Get used to it. Anyway: This movie, this character study, this comedy, this tale of fate, this [uh,] tragedy[?], this retelling of history grabbed me from the opening credits until the big blue screen at the end. I love the old-school opening, something I see being done more and more often. [I think 'Drag Me To Hell' was the last time I saw it.] I was engaged fully, and did not once turn my head from the screen ... even though there were some more than graphic violence occurring. However, there was one part in Chapter 5 where I literally grabbed my friend Shannon's arm and just gaped merrily at the screen.

Don't even get me started about the dialogue. Mentioning the awesomeness of dialogue in a Tarantino movie is like, well, making a worthy note of the explosions in a Michael Bay picture: there are a whole lot of them, they are amazing, and blah blah blah shitty simile. There were ladies, there were cigarettes, there were feet, [well a shoe,] I mean come on, look who's directing!! You should know his fetishes by now.

Can we just talk about Christopher "Col. Hans Landa: bad ass, devilish, wacky, fun, evil Nazi" Waltz? He stole the screen!! I was in awe!! Where did this guy come from? I haven't seen a performance like that EVER! Yes, Pitt and Roth and Kruger and everybody else was amazing as well but COME ON! As far as villains go, he is ranked all way up in my Top 5 Cinematic Bad Ass Villain Douche Bag list. [Yes I have one that is indeed titled like that.] I just wanted to put aside a paragraph exclusively for this bad ass mother fucker.

The supporting players, the sound, the direction, the violence, the acting, the visuals, the ... everything ... it was just right. I wanted a Tarantino war movie and boy did they shove it right down my throat! I licked my lips and then asked for seconds. I ate that shit up. *Shout out to Ryan from The Office for having some great scenes.* Oh, and stay until the end of the credits: no hidden surprises, just simply fantastic music and yellow credits. Oh, and the extra-long disclaimer at the end is amusing. See this movie. The old history major in me is tingling all over with giddiness.

4 and a half / 5 stars

A little side note about tension. This movie has a shit load of it ... along with a few surprises. I have never seen tension build like this: whole scenes just dedicated to it. By the middle to end of any given part it's just nail-biting, seat grabbing, "Oh God Come ON' ... in a good way, of course. You are never let down. Every wind up has it's punch. [OH and quite the punch indeed. A punch right in the testicles. Nazi testicles.] It's brilliant. Just brilliant. The film did not overstay it's welcome, and it's one of those "didn't feel like two and a half hours" type of deals.

Why couldn't THIS movie be released on my birthday and NOT any shitty movies that deserve an October release instead of August. The Final Destination AND Halloween II ... both in August, both on my twenty-first birthday. Come on.

Movie Extravaganza!

2009-07-19T17:58:00.000-07:00

I've seen several movies this past week, some new ones in la theatre, some on la DVD that I've revisited from my movie box, and it's been quite some time since a post, so, yah. It only made sense. Plus I've started reading again. [Does porn literature count?]

No sassy comment. Just no. No. Never. Ever. NEVER!

Anyway, the book series and movie I've been obsessed with is the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Not like Misery obsessed, but almost one step down from that. Douglas Adams is a fantastic author, and I'm starting to dip in his other works. The movie is fantastic [if you've read the book series that is,] and it's just ok I guess if you're going into it blind. The flick is filled with inside jokes and so many references to the book's material that it's almost a different movie entirely if you've read even the first four chapters of the book. Read it. Watch it.

1979 was a crazy, crazy, tie dye-ish time.

Other movies and some "brief," brief, comments... otherwise I'll get carried away and angry:

Bruno: I gave it 2 and a half stars out of five. Hence the rating, I was fifty/fifty on the movie. It succeeded and failed in a cornucopia of ways. I laughed a lot, I did cover my mouth in shock a few times, occasionally my jaw dropped. On the other side of it, sometimes I stared at the screen asking myself 'Is this funny?' and 'Why am I here?' This was a dirtier, less funny version of Borat. I had a feeling Sacha Baron Cohen would not be able to strike gold twice. It didn't feel that short, nor was it too long - it was just right. I don't think it hit Borat's success at all; we loved Borat - he didn't know American culture, he was ignorant, he was pushed around, we almost felt bad for him so when he said something sassy or did something awful, we laughed. Bruno was in-your-face, he was too 'head-on' and the whole gay thing got pretty stale really fast. Plus, his sidekicks were nothing compared to Borats'. I did admire Cohen's technique though - the way it played out and his manipulation is just amazing to ogle at. The movie had a formula just like Borat, but since Bruno didn't have the best turn out, humor like this might only be caught on repeats of Da Ali G Show. When did the penis become so funny? I think it all started with Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Thanks Jason Segal!

This just in: Penises are in and Vaginas/Boobs are out Out OUT!

That was not brief. My apologies - so much to say, so little blog.

In the next Movie post [will be posted tomorrow,] I'll touch upon Public Enemies, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, The Nines, and One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

Papp Schnapp's Movie Recaps: Across 110th Street

2009-07-13T21:19:00.000-07:00

"You don't know what you'll do until you're put under pressure/Across 110th Street is a hell of a tester"

The lyrics, which play out over Blaxploitation-style credits overlaid on scenes of a car driving through Harlem, may at first listen suggest this is a movie about "gun-totin gangstas" (a notion which the DVD case would have you believe, but more on that later), but those lyrics say so much about the movie you're about to watch compared to the reputation it has. Or hasn't, for that matter.

That car, though you don't know it initially, is actually the fuse being lit for a movie which is in a state of constant explosion. That's not to say it's some Michael Bay-level pyrotechnic fest (although there is a literal explosion more fantastic in its "simplicity" than any million dollar fireball he could ever ejaculate [btw, see Transformers 2!]), but this moofie has the ability to take your breath away and shock you in every sense in almost every scene.

Y'see, the DVD case would have you suggest that this is "Soul Cinema", which is actually just a nice way of saying it's a movie about gangstas, pimps, and honkies. But this is no Coffy (I loved that movie, too). It's a dense, layered drama that unfortunately got lost in the shuffle and as a result is treated the same way as some bargain-bin Sheba, Baby clone (also starring Yaphet Kotto).

The plotting is fantastic, and like I said before, you're in a constant state of being 'at the edge of your seat'. This is helped by the fantastic cinematography, which uses a lot of experimental techniques to show you the action. Por ejemplo: There's a scene where the Harlem mob is torturing a man in a dry cleaner's, but it's done in one shot, and you don't hear what's going on. You're looking into the shop through the display window while a guard patrols the area. It's so fucking brilliant that I cracked my skull from the force of my jaw hitting the floor.

This reminds me of Vertigo ... but with black people.

The narrative takes a look at a botched robbery through the eyes of three different sets of characters, and all get equal screen time and characterization (a feat for a movie that doesn't pass the 100-minute mark). All of the actors in this are absolutely fantastic, and while it seems surprising at first that Anthony Quinn and Yaphet Kotto don't inhabit every scene (another thing to blame on MGM for shitty advertising), there are characters here as compelling (if not moreso) than they are.

So here's a movie that's lost and forgotten, and really doesn't deserve to be. Also, do yourself a favor:

DON'T LOOK AT THE BACK OF THE BOX

Please follow this advice, for reasons I won't make clear due to spoilers. Just... Rent it from Netflix. It's better that way.

This was released the same year as The Godfather, and a year after The French Connection. To say this movie is in the same league as those would be a bold statement. Well, watch this movie, and that eyebrow you have raised at this "blaxploitation cheapie" will sit the fuck down and pay attention to this absolutely, astoundingly, unbelievably, and ultimately amazing film.

The Most American Day Of The Year

2009-07-03T19:55:00.001-07:00

June 5th, 2009: National Donut Day [No]
June 14th, 2009: Flag Day [No]
July 13th, 2009: Barbershop Quartet Appreciation Day [Hell No]

It's like Michael Bay get's his own holiday: explosions, ladies, and more explosions.

What day is more American than those fake, shitty, awful days listed above?

THE FOURTH OF FUCKING JULY!!

Don't let that nonsense above fool you into believing that I give a shit about this holiday. I worked today, July 3rd, at the grocery store and besides it being an absolute shit show, I learned a few things ... or at least things I already knew were reinforced.

British people are still bitter.
S'mores are too expensive and I still think think they are gross.
Some people will just never learn.

Numero Uno/Un: I had a plethora of customers in my line today: a couple from Wisconsin with matching fanny-packs, a few old dudes who forgot to buy ice for the cookout, elderly people who needed cat food for Fluffy, the usual group of regular customers [who apparently just forgot it was the day before the 4th of July,] and finally, one very bitter British lady. I should have seen it coming though; it did not make sense at the time, but the hippie in front of the Bitter British lady whispered to me "The British are coming, the British are coming" right before he got his change back. When I gave her the receipt, I said "Have a good fourth!" She then replied "Why would I, it's nothing special to me," all Britishy. She snobbishly laughed, and walked away. Twas amazing.

Cardboard, chocolate, and rubber white stuff? YES PLEASE!

Numero Dos/Deux: I don't like s'mores. I never have and I never will. Yes, I have been camping before, I was a boy scout for 5 awful years. On any woodland adventure when s'more's showed up, I did what any other person like me would do: you just eat the graham cracker and chocolate. If a S'more Nazi approached you, you would be prepared with a stick and marshmallow in head, you know, just to trick them. You would then give the marshmallow to somebody else, [which usually was the fire.] Did I not like s'mores or was I just really into fire? Uh-oh.

Numero Tres/Trois: Some people will never learn. This applies to several things. Grilling etiquette, exploding fireworks in your face, coming to a grocery store the day before a "major" holiday, and many other things. It's upsetting. But it happens.

I'm done ranting. [For now.] Blogging really kind of calms me; I find out in the middle of the most that I'm not angry any more so I have to stop; I then wait for something to anger me and I begin again.

Tomorrow I am going to watch 'American History X' and maybe have a drink or two. What's more American than that? I think, for blog-like purposes, I'll review the movie and post it tomorrow with a sassy title. Until then!

Papp Schnapp's Movie Recaps: The Mist

2009-07-02T20:42:00.000-07:00

This is the first of many movie reviews from my friend John Papp! Enjoy the silly title and the review.

I had some wonderful insight when I began to re-re-watch this, but I sort of cut my viewing in half. Two things to make sure of:

1. Watch this in one sitting. You should always watch films in one setting. Interrupting for longer than an hour or two ruins the flow.

2. Watch it in black and white. The 2nd disc contains the black and white version, which is ten times as terrifying, and ten times as harrowing. Desaturate the colors on your TV if you must to achieve the effect.

"Oh my God, it's Kirstie Alley! Ruuuuuuunnn!"

Anyway, Frank Darabont has wrought upon us the single greatest horror film (along with 28 Days Later) since Suspiria and Dawn of the Dead (1977 and 1978, respectively). This is an exercise in extreme terror, and if you can't buy into that terror, then you're not allowed to watch horror movies ever again.

The acting's what helps make this movie as terrifying as it is. Tom "I just want my kids back" Jane is our rock in this affair, leading us through the horrors and inspiring hope. He's helped by Toby "I've absolved myself from Dobby" Jones, who just might be the best actor in this movie. He should be in more shit. Andre "Frank Pembleton" Braugher is great in the short amount of time he's in this (he should be in more stuff, too), and so is Nathan "Commissioner Gordon's son" Gamble, who is amazing as that little kid (It's funny how both of his most high-profile roles involve him crying in most of his scenes, and he manages to sell them both well).

But the most talked about performance is sure to be Marcia "more like Gay Hard-on, lol" Gay Harden, as the most wretched and evil female villain this side of Nurse Ratched. In a way, her character is more frightening than the Cthulu-like monsters that attack the characters, though they're downright horrifying, too.

"Is now the best time to fly a kite?"

Y'see, this is certainly more than just a monster movie. Like Night of the Living Dead, a movie it certainly owes a lot too, and admits it openly, it's about what happens when the skies turn red, but more importantly, it's about how we cope with that. Some lead, some.... Go absolutely nuts.

Uh, anyway, I didn't like it at first, mostly because of the ending. But Michael Messina changed my perspective on it (I'm trying not to give anything away here), and made me realize that this is a horror movie, and horrifying things can't always be pleasing.

So, I would certainly hope that this film be ranked highly in the "Greatest Horror Films of all Time" list, whenever that's made. Because it is. It scares me to the point of shivers and tears, and I hope it keeps you all up throughout the night.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Nerds

2009-06-29T11:58:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I saw the Transformers sequel. [Insert extremely exaggerated and one-sided slur/review here.] Surprisingly, I came out of the cinema neither enraged nor super-excited. What can I say? It was a summer-blockbuster movie directed by Michael Bay*. [*Michael Fucking Bay.] After I saw the flick, I read the reviews; from pretentious tight-ass critics to some guy on "the YouTube" with glasses that didn't look right on him.

It was loved, hated, and shat on by the internet. Bay is known for three things: 1. Explosions, 2. Tits, and 3. Exploding Tits in Slow-motion. I had these three things in mind when seeing this flick. Other Bay movies: The Rock is the shit, the Bad Boys franchise is alright by me, Armageddon is fine, and I don't want to talk about Pearl Harbor. Bay, like any director, has a few critics that despise him ... unfortunately for Bay, "a few critics" means every single critic ever. He brings it where it really counts: the box office. Critics could care less about the box office. Screw all this critic talk, who cares about their secret terrorist agenda.

"You guys want to come back to my place and watch Point Break?"

Do you think that in high school Michael Bay was a nerd? Is this Bay's revenge? [Hence the title of this blog.] Maybe Bay never got any action in high school; maybe he didn't see any boobs or explosions under the bleachers next to the football field. Maybe there was a set of really annoying African American twins in his class that beat him up and sassed him, and Bay's revenge is portraying them as sassy racist robots in this Transformers movie. Who knows.

There were three things in [evil, awful] Boston Globe columnist Ty Burr's review of Transformers 2 that I agreed with. [And I never agree with him on anything!!] 1. I agree with his comparison of the robot twins to "Jar Jar Binks times two..." 2. My "inner child" did indeed "go into a blissful coma..." 3. Ty Burr is an ass. Well he didn't say that directly, it's just something implied in all of his reviews. I think he also calls Bay a fascist. Sigh. I was thinking of photoshopping Bay's head onto Mussolini's body, but that nerd-picture of Bay is enough for me.

The dude with glasses on the YouTube did bring up a fan-fucking-tastic point in his video. I'll sum it up for you in case you didn't watch it. [The link is still up there and he talks about the movie one minute and twenty seconds into the vid.] When watching Transformers, you have to see it as TWO movies. As a 'movie-movie' [where you want to be entertained and intrigued and such] and as a Michael Bay movie [where it doesn't have to make sense, there needs to be explosions and slow-motion boobs and such.] As a Michael Bay movie: A Fucking Plus!! As a movie-movie: just plain awful. Enough with his opinon, (which I agree with,) and on to mine.

This is Michael Bay in 20 years.

I was thoroughly entertained by this movie. There were plenty of ladies, like that girl that looks like an alien. You know, Megan Fox. I don't know what planet she came from but she needs to go back to acting school - she can barely act human as it is. Unfortunately I don't go to the movies just to be entertained; I want to be provoked as a movie viewer; I want there to be questions asked; I want to see the full range of human emotion [and not just Shia's girly scream.] I have to admit, that part in the dorm room and then the chase to the library was shma-shmazing. The dialogue that took place in the library between Shia and E.T. [Megan Fox] was hilarious. [Until somebody's first instinct while escaping explosions was NOT just scuttling in the other direction but to instead leap over the balcony and land on a light fixture.]

Besides all the cool graphics, an awesome helicopter slow-mo shot, the sometimes awful writing, the plot holes, the racist robots, the explosions, the slow-mo boob shots, the semi-OK acting, and the ridiculously old robot with a cane, I give it 3 and a half stars. Some things you just cannot overlook. There is a part where John Turturro says something along the lines of "Beginning, middle, and end. Plot, we need substance!" That is not a direct quote ... it's just what I remember. Kind of. But the things mentioned in that quote aren't all in the movie itself. I mean for every dumb thing Shia said, his parents did something hilariously amazing. His roommate Leo however, got kind of stale after a while. 3 and a half stars is pretty sweet.

Arrested Development: Awesome Episode Alert!

2009-06-26T23:55:00.000-07:00

Today's Epsiode: From Season 2, #32: Ready, Aim, Marry Me!
Original Air Date: February 13th, 2005 [Presumably a Wednesday.]
Director: Paul Feig
Written by: Jim Vallely & Mitchell Hurwitz

"These kinds of skills?"

'Regular' Guest Stars:

Liza Minnelli: ["Lucile 2"]
Ed Begley, JR [Stan Sitwell]

Awesome One-Time-Only Guest Star:

Martin Short [Uncle Jack Dorso, aka "The Bullet"] Martin Short steals the show in this episode as 'Uncle Jack,' a wealthy family friend who lost the use of his legs after a freak weight-lifting accident. He won't use a wheelchair so his deaf assistant Dragon carries him and swoops him everywhere.

"Somebody order 14- pounds of upper-body strength? Walk Dragon! Walk!"

Plot:

{this is the usual spot where you'd read about the plot ... BUT in this episode the plot is filled with a cornucopia of twists and inside jokes and crazy mix-ups which would take me about an hour to explain, [Or 5 huge paragraphs like the Wikipedia Page has for has this episode,] and nobody wants that. I like to keep these short and sweet kind of.}

This is one of my ALL TIME favorite episodes. Now I know what you are asking yourselves: [1] Why does the author of this blog like to wear women's undergarments while he types ... and [2] How can you have a favorite episode of this spectacular show? Well that's easy: like any television show, some episodes are funnier than others. In this episode there is a plethora of sight gags: people slipping, people being "shot" onto others, falling off horses, and Lindsay getting knocked unconscious due to a kick in the head by a paraplegic body-buidler.

"What is that, is that a chicken?"

Plus we have one of the first installments of the chicken gag. This is where the Bluth family [in true Back to the Future fashion,] call Michael a chicken, and then they attempt to imitate a chicken with horrible, misguided results.

You all better appreciate a good BTTF reference, dammit.

Fun fact:

Anne, [aka Egg, Bland, Her, and also called "Who?"] does not appear in this episode.

Awesome Scene Time:

Lindsay introduces herself to Jack.
Uncle Jack: Why she is no bigger than one of my legs! Shake them for her!!
Jack is shaken violently by Dragon; Jack grunts and moans.
George-Michael: Excuse me, Uncle Jack, I'm George-Michael and ...
Still grunting, Jack vomits a clear-gooey substance across the room.
Uncle Jack: It's ok. Just ignore it. IGNORE IT! It's just something the body does when your shaken.

Favorite Character in the Epiode: Tobias Funke

"Tobias, you blowhard!"

Some of best moments and most quotable lines from Tobias are in this very episode; he takes the cake. Besides Martin Short as Uncle Jack, Tobias is king. He has the funniest slip-and-fall I have ever seen. Close runners-up in this episode are Lucille Bluth and Buster. Lucille has some great facial expressions and Buster is just, well, Buster. The best lines from Tobias (all at once) are at the end of the episode via tape recorder during the "On The Next Arrested Development..."

Narrator: "Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own words to see what Michael was referring to."
Tape Recorder: "Even it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up."
Tobias: "Nothing wrong with that."
Tape Recorder: "Oh I've been in the film business for a while but I just can't seem to get one in the can."
Tobias: "Out of context."
Tape Recorder: "I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks, so to speak."

If you want to get somebody hooked on this series, show them this episode!!

One last favorite quote from Michael Bluth:
"You mean the deaf giant holding our fake uncle?"

Arrested Development Character Study: G.O.B.

2009-06-22T15:46:00.000-07:00

This is the first in a series of character studies from the famously cancelled television show Arrested Development. I will post my favorite quotes and moments from the character of choice, as well as try and define what makes them funny. Today we have:

Name: G.O.B. [George Oscar Bluth, Jr.] Pronounced jōb ... like that famous guy from the bible, you know, Job.

Here he is on his transportation device of choice: the Segway. Looks like he is ready to Thelma and Louise-it off a cliff or something. Please tell me somebody gets that reference.

Being the older brother in a family has its ups and downs. For G.O.B. though, its mainly downs. The first born child: the favorite? No. The least favorite? In his mother Lucille's eyes: hell yes. G.O.B. is everything that a TV show audience wants in an older brother: he is a blabbering idiot, he is a womanizer and a man-whore, he is ignorant, he is slightly racist, and most importantly, he is a magician! [Not even a good magician.] He is the butt of the joke in the Bluth family.

Example of idiocy:

G.O.B: Anyway, it involves us making some money with our Mexican friends from Colombia.
Michael: I think they're called Colombians.

Example of ignorance with a dash of idiocy:

G.O.B: What is this feeling? It's not hungry, it's not angry...
Michael: I think it's love, Gob
G.O.B: I know what an erection feels like, Michael!

Example of womanizing man-whoring tendencies:

G.O.B: I'm dating this Christian girl right now. She wants me to be honest and reconnect with my son. And I'm trying to get her to renounce God and fuck me, but I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.

The only thing sadder than a bad magician is a dead clown on fire. G.O.B. constantly reveals how tricks are done, has been blackballed by the Magician's Alliance [who demand to be taken seriously,] and always has a 'Forget-me-now" pill on hand to drug somebody when they know just a little bit tooo much. G.O.B. also had a small stint in the ventriloquist field with is good old [incredibly racist] black puppet Franklin Delano Bluth.

G.O.B. has an amazingly bad theme song that he uses for his magic tricks. He even had a 'sad' version done with an organ for a wake/funeral in the episode 'Good Grief.' Here is that song. Speaking of awful, horrible songs: here we have this. Oh, its just so delightfully sickening!

There will be more on G.O.B pretty soon, maybe tomorrow. Right now html and the font and format of this post is being quite bitchy. YAY!

The Customer Is Not Always Right

2009-06-19T11:08:00.000-07:00

I don't know which asshole came up with the saying "The customer is always right," but apparently he has never left his big comfy corner office and stepped into any type of service industry. I work at a grocery store - enough said.

I have had three years of soul-sucking miserable people yell at me because they "just used a check earlier today and it worked fine." Or maybe "$3.00 for a package of cookies is just tooo much!" Occasionally a "Can I get paper in plastic, then put them in this box so I can shrink-wrap it and then ship it to Alaska?" You know, so the cold stuff can stay cold.

"Would you like your milk, green shit, bread, orange-stick things, fancy rich people water and blue tub in the same bag?"

If you're in the service industry, or if you just deal with stupid people daily, you would probably appreciate this website. It's along the lines of F My Life and the less popular My Life Is Average websites that are a hit these days. It's just a series of stories and quotes from dealing with dumb-asses that come into retail stores.

I am a big fan of the singular form 'person.' The word 'people' however, is awful. Person can be smart, occasionally funny, and nice. People however are dumb, scared, angry, and just plain idiotic. You put more than two people in a room and they are all ready taking sides and getting ready to kill each other. I think I may have just accidentally paraphrased that from the movie-version of Stephen King's The Mist.

This is kind of grocery-store related; it takes place in one at least. Still was a suck bomb though.

Ok, that's all for today. In conclusion: people suck; person however is awesome ... and working in a grocery is, well, awful - but its a paycheck. It could be worse. If you have time, check out this blog. It's becoming a website pretty soon, but check out the older posts, they're pretty kick ass. Click here for the link. Or here. And here and here.

Here is one of my favorite excerpts from [The Customer is] Not Always Right:

Dinner Without A Show Is No Dinner At All

Grocery Store | Buffalo, NY, USA

(I’m cashing out a customer and bagging his groceries.)

Me: “And what’s in your bakery bag, sir?”

Customer: “A cantaloupe. I put it in there to get ripe.”

Me: “OK…”

Customer: “You know what they do in California? They JUGGLE the fruit - the cantaloupes and the mangoes and the apples and such.”

Me: “Oh, that must be neat to see–”

Customer: “YOU SHOULD DO THAT!”

Me: *laughing* “That’d be interesting, but I don’t know how to juggle.”

Customer: “You mean to tell me you can’t juggle this fruit?”

Me: “I’m afraid not…”

Customer: “Then take the cantaloupe off. I don’t want it if you won’t juggle it for me.”

Arrested Development: An Introduction

2009-06-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

What is there to say about Arrested Development that has not already been said? "Best show on television." [Check] "...the smartest, most shockingly funny series on TV." [Check] "Funnier than those Free Credit Report dot com commercials." [Has never been said, but true.] Just look at the picture below and try to explain to me why this show was canceled.

Sadly, this post has been delayed. I honestly had no idea where to begin. The awesomeness of this show put such a strain on my body, I could not type for two whole days. [Or I was just distracted by Obama killing a fly. Whoopty-doo.]

I don't know how I should handle this: I was thinking of doing episode reviews, but that involves way tooo much observation; I don't feel like watching the episode a bazillion times and then have it loose its funny. I think today I'll just post a quote and a few pictures. I think that character bios and running-jokes may just be the content of the next few posts.

I'm pretty sure this picture was used for the season 3 finale, [which ended up being the series finale. Insert angry and sad face here.]

Here's a good G.O.B. quote:

"They're pills that create a sort of temporary forgettingness. So if somebody finds out how you do a trick, you just give 'em one of these, and they forget the whole thing. It's a mainstay of the magician's toolkit, like how clowns always have a rag soaked in ether."

Ahhh, oh G.O.B. - you always know how to make a good magic-themed joke. In the series there are plenty - especially in the first season with the whole 'Alliance of Magicians' thing. Ben Stiller even makes a cameo appearance in three episodes as rival magician 'Tony Wonder.'

Well, writing about A.D. is better than I thought, so I shall do it often. Oh, and the name of the blog has nothing to do with Michael Cera. Yes, he may be awkwadorable, and yes he is in Arrested Development, but it is not named after him. That would just be creepy. [Kind of like falling in love with your cousin.] [Creepy like, well, creepy like this.]

Good night!

The 'First Post' Post

2009-06-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

According to the Urban Dictionary: Awkwadorable: Adjective: Awkward and adorable at the same time.

I love combining two words into one even more awesome word. Also, if you are a fan of entirely grammatically incorrect paragraphs and/or run-on sentences, you are in the right place.

Well anyway, welcome to this crazy blog located on this crazy series of tubes called "the internet." If all goes correctly and if I don't get that distracted, [like on things like this,] I will be telling true and slightly exaggerated stories from college life and the supermarket I work at. My passion for the amazingly canceled TV show Arrested Development will also make appearances in weekly homages, (episode reviews, favorite quotes, photoshopped pictures,) and such.

I have to leave now. Things are distracting me again. I'll be back tomorrow with the first Arrested Development post, the first of a series of true and slightly exaggerated college stories, and other stuff.