Transformers 2: Revenge of the Nerds

A few days ago I saw the Transformers sequel. [Insert extremely exaggerated and one-sided slur/review here.] Surprisingly, I came out of the cinema neither enraged nor super-excited. What can I say? It was a summer-blockbuster movie directed by Michael Bay*. [*Michael Fucking Bay.] After I saw the flick, I read the reviews; from pretentious tight-ass critics to some guy on "the YouTube" with glasses that didn't look right on him.

It was loved, hated, and shat on by the internet. Bay is known for three things: 1. Explosions, 2. Tits, and 3. Exploding Tits in Slow-motion. I had these three things in mind when seeing this flick. Other Bay movies: The Rock is the shit, the Bad Boys franchise is alright by me, Armageddon is fine, and I don't want to talk about Pearl Harbor. Bay, like any director, has a few critics that despise him ... unfortunately for Bay, "a few critics" means every single critic ever. He brings it where it really counts: the box office. Critics could care less about the box office. Screw all this critic talk, who cares about their secret terrorist agenda.

"You guys want to come back to my place and watch Point Break?"

Do you think that in high school Michael Bay was a nerd? Is this Bay's revenge? [Hence the title of this blog.] Maybe Bay never got any action in high school; maybe he didn't see any boobs or explosions under the bleachers next to the football field. Maybe there was a set of really annoying African American twins in his class that beat him up and sassed him, and Bay's revenge is portraying them as sassy racist robots in this Transformers movie. Who knows.

There were three things in [evil, awful] Boston Globe columnist Ty Burr's review of Transformers 2 that I agreed with. [And I never agree with him on anything!!] 1. I agree with his comparison of the robot twins to "Jar Jar Binks times two..." 2. My "inner child" did indeed "go into a blissful coma..." 3. Ty Burr is an ass. Well he didn't say that directly, it's just something implied in all of his reviews. I think he also calls Bay a fascist. Sigh. I was thinking of photoshopping Bay's head onto Mussolini's body, but that nerd-picture of Bay is enough for me.

The dude with glasses on the YouTube did bring up a fan-fucking-tastic point in his video. I'll sum it up for you in case you didn't watch it. [The link is still up there and he talks about the movie one minute and twenty seconds into the vid.] When watching Transformers, you have to see it as TWO movies. As a 'movie-movie' [where you want to be entertained and intrigued and such] and as a Michael Bay movie [where it doesn't have to make sense, there needs to be explosions and slow-motion boobs and such.] As a Michael Bay movie: A Fucking Plus!! As a movie-movie: just plain awful. Enough with his opinon, (which I agree with,) and on to mine.

This is Michael Bay in 20 years.

I was thoroughly entertained by this movie. There were plenty of ladies, like that girl that looks like an alien. You know, Megan Fox. I don't know what planet she came from but she needs to go back to acting school - she can barely act human as it is. Unfortunately I don't go to the movies just to be entertained; I want to be provoked as a movie viewer; I want there to be questions asked; I want to see the full range of human emotion [and not just Shia's girly scream.] I have to admit, that part in the dorm room and then the chase to the library was shma-shmazing. The dialogue that took place in the library between Shia and E.T. [Megan Fox] was hilarious. [Until somebody's first instinct while escaping explosions was NOT just scuttling in the other direction but to instead leap over the balcony and land on a light fixture.]

Besides all the cool graphics, an awesome helicopter slow-mo shot, the sometimes awful writing, the plot holes, the racist robots, the explosions, the slow-mo boob shots, the semi-OK acting, and the ridiculously old robot with a cane, I give it 3 and a half stars. Some things you just cannot overlook. There is a part where John Turturro says something along the lines of "Beginning, middle, and end. Plot, we need substance!" That is not a direct quote ... it's just what I remember. Kind of. But the things mentioned in that quote aren't all in the movie itself. I mean for every dumb thing Shia said, his parents did something hilariously amazing. His roommate Leo however, got kind of stale after a while. 3 and a half stars is pretty sweet.

Arrested Development: Awesome Episode Alert!

Today's Epsiode: From Season 2, #32: Ready, Aim, Marry Me!
Original Air Date: February 13th, 2005 [Presumably a Wednesday.]
Director: Paul Feig
Written by: Jim Vallely & Mitchell Hurwitz

"These kinds of skills?"

'Regular' Guest Stars:

Liza Minnelli: ["Lucile 2"]
Ed Begley, JR [Stan Sitwell]

Awesome One-Time-Only Guest Star:

Martin Short [Uncle Jack Dorso, aka "The Bullet"] Martin Short steals the show in this episode as 'Uncle Jack,' a wealthy family friend who lost the use of his legs after a freak weight-lifting accident. He won't use a wheelchair so his deaf assistant Dragon carries him and swoops him everywhere.

"Somebody order 14- pounds of upper-body strength? Walk Dragon! Walk!"

Plot:

{this is the usual spot where you'd read about the plot ... BUT in this episode the plot is filled with a cornucopia of twists and inside jokes and crazy mix-ups which would take me about an hour to explain, [Or 5 huge paragraphs like the Wikipedia Page has for has this episode,] and nobody wants that. I like to keep these short and sweet kind of.}

This is one of my ALL TIME favorite episodes. Now I know what you are asking yourselves: [1] Why does the author of this blog like to wear women's undergarments while he types ... and [2] How can you have a favorite episode of this spectacular show? Well that's easy: like any television show, some episodes are funnier than others. In this episode there is a plethora of sight gags: people slipping, people being "shot" onto others, falling off horses, and Lindsay getting knocked unconscious due to a kick in the head by a paraplegic body-buidler.

"What is that, is that a chicken?"

Plus we have one of the first installments of the chicken gag. This is where the Bluth family [in true Back to the Future fashion,] call Michael a chicken, and then they attempt to imitate a chicken with horrible, misguided results.

You all better appreciate a good BTTF reference, dammit.

Fun fact:

Anne, [aka Egg, Bland, Her, and also called "Who?"] does not appear in this episode.

Awesome Scene Time:

Lindsay introduces herself to Jack.
Uncle Jack: Why she is no bigger than one of my legs! Shake them for her!!
Jack is shaken violently by Dragon; Jack grunts and moans.
George-Michael: Excuse me, Uncle Jack, I'm George-Michael and ...
Still grunting, Jack vomits a clear-gooey substance across the room.
Uncle Jack: It's ok. Just ignore it. IGNORE IT! It's just something the body does when your shaken.

Favorite Character in the Epiode: Tobias Funke

"Tobias, you blowhard!"

Some of best moments and most quotable lines from Tobias are in this very episode; he takes the cake. Besides Martin Short as Uncle Jack, Tobias is king. He has the funniest slip-and-fall I have ever seen. Close runners-up in this episode are Lucille Bluth and Buster. Lucille has some great facial expressions and Buster is just, well, Buster. The best lines from Tobias (all at once) are at the end of the episode via tape recorder during the "On The Next Arrested Development..."

Narrator: "Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own words to see what Michael was referring to."
Tape Recorder: "Even it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up."
Tobias: "Nothing wrong with that."
Tape Recorder: "Oh I've been in the film business for a while but I just can't seem to get one in the can."
Tobias: "Out of context."
Tape Recorder: "I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks, so to speak."

If you want to get somebody hooked on this series, show them this episode!!

One last favorite quote from Michael Bluth:
"You mean the deaf giant holding our fake uncle?"

Arrested Development Character Study: G.O.B.

This is the first in a series of character studies from the famously cancelled television show Arrested Development. I will post my favorite quotes and moments from the character of choice, as well as try and define what makes them funny. Today we have:

Name: G.O.B. [George Oscar Bluth, Jr.] Pronounced jōb ... like that famous guy from the bible, you know, Job.

Here he is on his transportation device of choice: the Segway. Looks like he is ready to Thelma and Louise-it off a cliff or something. Please tell me somebody gets that reference.

Being the older brother in a family has its ups and downs. For G.O.B. though, its mainly downs. The first born child: the favorite? No. The least favorite? In his mother Lucille's eyes: hell yes. G.O.B. is everything that a TV show audience wants in an older brother: he is a blabbering idiot, he is a womanizer and a man-whore, he is ignorant, he is slightly racist, and most importantly, he is a magician! [Not even a good magician.] He is the butt of the joke in the Bluth family.

Example of idiocy:

G.O.B: Anyway, it involves us making some money with our Mexican friends from Colombia.
Michael: I think they're called Colombians.

Example of ignorance with a dash of idiocy:

G.O.B: What is this feeling? It's not hungry, it's not angry...
Michael: I think it's love, Gob
G.O.B: I know what an erection feels like, Michael!

Example of womanizing man-whoring tendencies:

G.O.B: I'm dating this Christian girl right now. She wants me to be honest and reconnect with my son. And I'm trying to get her to renounce God and fuck me, but I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.

The only thing sadder than a bad magician is a dead clown on fire. G.O.B. constantly reveals how tricks are done, has been blackballed by the Magician's Alliance [who demand to be taken seriously,] and always has a 'Forget-me-now" pill on hand to drug somebody when they know just a little bit tooo much. G.O.B. also had a small stint in the ventriloquist field with is good old [incredibly racist] black puppet Franklin Delano Bluth.

G.O.B. has an amazingly bad theme song that he uses for his magic tricks. He even had a 'sad' version done with an organ for a wake/funeral in the episode 'Good Grief.' Here is that song. Speaking of awful, horrible songs: here we have this. Oh, its just so delightfully sickening!

There will be more on G.O.B pretty soon, maybe tomorrow. Right now html and the font and format of this post is being quite bitchy. YAY!

The Customer Is Not Always Right

I don't know which asshole came up with the saying "The customer is always right," but apparently he has never left his big comfy corner office and stepped into any type of service industry. I work at a grocery store - enough said.

I have had three years of soul-sucking miserable people yell at me because they "just used a check earlier today and it worked fine." Or maybe "$3.00 for a package of cookies is just tooo much!" Occasionally a "Can I get paper in plastic, then put them in this box so I can shrink-wrap it and then ship it to Alaska?" You know, so the cold stuff can stay cold.

"Would you like your milk, green shit, bread, orange-stick things, fancy rich people water and blue tub in the same bag?"

If you're in the service industry, or if you just deal with stupid people daily, you would probably appreciate this website. It's along the lines of F My Life and the less popular My Life Is Average websites that are a hit these days. It's just a series of stories and quotes from dealing with dumb-asses that come into retail stores.

I am a big fan of the singular form 'person.' The word 'people' however, is awful. Person can be smart, occasionally funny, and nice. People however are dumb, scared, angry, and just plain idiotic. You put more than two people in a room and they are all ready taking sides and getting ready to kill each other. I think I may have just accidentally paraphrased that from the movie-version of Stephen King's The Mist.

This is kind of grocery-store related; it takes place in one at least. Still was a suck bomb though.

Ok, that's all for today. In conclusion: people suck; person however is awesome ... and working in a grocery is, well, awful - but its a paycheck. It could be worse. If you have time, check out this blog. It's becoming a website pretty soon, but check out the older posts, they're pretty kick ass. Click here for the link. Or here. And here and here.

Here is one of my favorite excerpts from [The Customer is] Not Always Right:

Dinner Without A Show Is No Dinner At All

Grocery Store | Buffalo, NY, USA

(I’m cashing out a customer and bagging his groceries.)

Me: “And what’s in your bakery bag, sir?”

Customer: “A cantaloupe. I put it in there to get ripe.”

Me: “OK…”

Customer: “You know what they do in California? They JUGGLE the fruit - the cantaloupes and the mangoes and the apples and such.”

Me: “Oh, that must be neat to see–”

Customer: “YOU SHOULD DO THAT!”

Me: *laughing* “That’d be interesting, but I don’t know how to juggle.”

Customer: “You mean to tell me you can’t juggle this fruit?”

Me: “I’m afraid not…”

Customer: “Then take the cantaloupe off. I don’t want it if you won’t juggle it for me.”

Arrested Development: An Introduction

What is there to say about Arrested Development that has not already been said? "Best show on television." [Check] "...the smartest, most shockingly funny series on TV." [Check] "Funnier than those Free Credit Report dot com commercials." [Has never been said, but true.] Just look at the picture below and try to explain to me why this show was canceled.

Sadly, this post has been delayed. I honestly had no idea where to begin. The awesomeness of this show put such a strain on my body, I could not type for two whole days. [Or I was just distracted by Obama killing a fly. Whoopty-doo.]

I don't know how I should handle this: I was thinking of doing episode reviews, but that involves way tooo much observation; I don't feel like watching the episode a bazillion times and then have it loose its funny. I think today I'll just post a quote and a few pictures. I think that character bios and running-jokes may just be the content of the next few posts.

I'm pretty sure this picture was used for the season 3 finale, [which ended up being the series finale. Insert angry and sad face here.]

Here's a good G.O.B. quote:

"They're pills that create a sort of temporary forgettingness. So if somebody finds out how you do a trick, you just give 'em one of these, and they forget the whole thing. It's a mainstay of the magician's toolkit, like how clowns always have a rag soaked in ether."

Ahhh, oh G.O.B. - you always know how to make a good magic-themed joke. In the series there are plenty - especially in the first season with the whole 'Alliance of Magicians' thing. Ben Stiller even makes a cameo appearance in three episodes as rival magician 'Tony Wonder.'

Well, writing about A.D. is better than I thought, so I shall do it often. Oh, and the name of the blog has nothing to do with Michael Cera. Yes, he may be awkwadorable, and yes he is in Arrested Development, but it is not named after him. That would just be creepy. [Kind of like falling in love with your cousin.] [Creepy like, well, creepy like this.]

Good night!

The 'First Post' Post

According to the Urban Dictionary: Awkwadorable: Adjective: Awkward and adorable at the same time.

I love combining two words into one even more awesome word. Also, if you are a fan of entirely grammatically incorrect paragraphs and/or run-on sentences, you are in the right place.

Well anyway, welcome to this crazy blog located on this crazy series of tubes called "the internet." If all goes correctly and if I don't get that distracted, [like on things like this,] I will be telling true and slightly exaggerated stories from college life and the supermarket I work at. My passion for the amazingly canceled TV show Arrested Development will also make appearances in weekly homages, (episode reviews, favorite quotes, photoshopped pictures,) and such.

I have to leave now. Things are distracting me again. I'll be back tomorrow with the first Arrested Development post, the first of a series of true and slightly exaggerated college stories, and other stuff.