Transformers 2: Revenge of the Nerds

A few days ago I saw the Transformers sequel. [Insert extremely exaggerated and one-sided slur/review here.] Surprisingly, I came out of the cinema neither enraged nor super-excited. What can I say? It was a summer-blockbuster movie directed by Michael Bay*. [*Michael Fucking Bay.] After I saw the flick, I read the reviews; from pretentious tight-ass critics to some guy on "the YouTube" with glasses that didn't look right on him.

It was loved, hated, and shat on by the internet. Bay is known for three things: 1. Explosions, 2. Tits, and 3. Exploding Tits in Slow-motion. I had these three things in mind when seeing this flick. Other Bay movies: The Rock is the shit, the Bad Boys franchise is alright by me, Armageddon is fine, and I don't want to talk about Pearl Harbor. Bay, like any director, has a few critics that despise him ... unfortunately for Bay, "a few critics" means every single critic ever. He brings it where it really counts: the box office. Critics could care less about the box office. Screw all this critic talk, who cares about their secret terrorist agenda.

"You guys want to come back to my place and watch Point Break?"

Do you think that in high school Michael Bay was a nerd? Is this Bay's revenge? [Hence the title of this blog.] Maybe Bay never got any action in high school; maybe he didn't see any boobs or explosions under the bleachers next to the football field. Maybe there was a set of really annoying African American twins in his class that beat him up and sassed him, and Bay's revenge is portraying them as sassy racist robots in this Transformers movie. Who knows.

There were three things in [evil, awful] Boston Globe columnist Ty Burr's review of Transformers 2 that I agreed with. [And I never agree with him on anything!!] 1. I agree with his comparison of the robot twins to "Jar Jar Binks times two..." 2. My "inner child" did indeed "go into a blissful coma..." 3. Ty Burr is an ass. Well he didn't say that directly, it's just something implied in all of his reviews. I think he also calls Bay a fascist. Sigh. I was thinking of photoshopping Bay's head onto Mussolini's body, but that nerd-picture of Bay is enough for me.

The dude with glasses on the YouTube did bring up a fan-fucking-tastic point in his video. I'll sum it up for you in case you didn't watch it. [The link is still up there and he talks about the movie one minute and twenty seconds into the vid.] When watching Transformers, you have to see it as TWO movies. As a 'movie-movie' [where you want to be entertained and intrigued and such] and as a Michael Bay movie [where it doesn't have to make sense, there needs to be explosions and slow-motion boobs and such.] As a Michael Bay movie: A Fucking Plus!! As a movie-movie: just plain awful. Enough with his opinon, (which I agree with,) and on to mine.

This is Michael Bay in 20 years.

I was thoroughly entertained by this movie. There were plenty of ladies, like that girl that looks like an alien. You know, Megan Fox. I don't know what planet she came from but she needs to go back to acting school - she can barely act human as it is. Unfortunately I don't go to the movies just to be entertained; I want to be provoked as a movie viewer; I want there to be questions asked; I want to see the full range of human emotion [and not just Shia's girly scream.] I have to admit, that part in the dorm room and then the chase to the library was shma-shmazing. The dialogue that took place in the library between Shia and E.T. [Megan Fox] was hilarious. [Until somebody's first instinct while escaping explosions was NOT just scuttling in the other direction but to instead leap over the balcony and land on a light fixture.]

Besides all the cool graphics, an awesome helicopter slow-mo shot, the sometimes awful writing, the plot holes, the racist robots, the explosions, the slow-mo boob shots, the semi-OK acting, and the ridiculously old robot with a cane, I give it 3 and a half stars. Some things you just cannot overlook. There is a part where John Turturro says something along the lines of "Beginning, middle, and end. Plot, we need substance!" That is not a direct quote ... it's just what I remember. Kind of. But the things mentioned in that quote aren't all in the movie itself. I mean for every dumb thing Shia said, his parents did something hilariously amazing. His roommate Leo however, got kind of stale after a while. 3 and a half stars is pretty sweet.