Brendan Fraser, You Need To Stop.

Please, take this request, just stop it. Stop what, you ask? Everything. Just stop. STOP! We all saw your awkward clap at the Golden Globes, and most of us didn't see Journey to the Center of the Earth, but you Brendan Fraser, need to stop. What? You didn't see his ridiculous clap? Well here is the link: prepare to lose a few brain cells.

You know the voice he used in George of the Jungle? That is his real voice. In real life.

Well anyway, I am done with his career. I think he has had a good run. And when I say "I think he has had a good run" I mean that most of his filmography can be found on VHS tapes at the bottom of a toy box in an abandoned orphanage that has been set on fire. Twice.

His latest film, or abomination of cinema, or cine-bortion rather, is aptly titled Furry Vengeance. I now realize that when I say cine-bortion out load, I imagine cinnamon buns and delightful bakery treats rather than the hell and pain that Brendan Fraser has put me through these past few years. Sadly, the trailer is below - but only for the use of "told you so" and "see what I mean" and "oh my god, my eyes, my eyes are on fire, I want to kill everybody!"



Apologies to Blondie, the country of Canada, any animal involved with the making of this film, and to Brendan Fraser, because now it's just sad. His nature-themed or geography-tastic films have gone to far. Remember the good old days of Air Heads? I remember coming home from school and it was on Comedy Central or VH1: Movies that Rock. Now it's, well, all three Mummy movies [if you want to even consider the third one part of the franchise,] Dudley Do-Right, [Echk,] that Looney Tunes: Back in Action movie [Echk times 2,] Journey to the Center of the Earth [and the upcoming untitled sequel, unfortunately,] Bedazzled I don't really have a problem with that much, kind of, but what the FUCK was Monkeybone? How high did you have to be to enjoy that movie? Oh, and wasn't he in Crash? How dare the Academy affiliate themselves with Brendan Fraser.

I can't even begin to tear apart the above trailer. Remember the last time Hollywood tried to tackle the whole green issue in a proposed "blockbuster" fashion? Remember what movie tanked that was also a sequel to one of the funniest Jim Carey movies since Liar Liar? Yes - we are talking about the awful, shameful, shit-tastic, deserved to win the Razzie, yup you guessed it: Evan Almighty. And John Goodman was in it! I'm not saying that Furry Vengeance is trying or is going for 'bloclbuster' glory, and I'm not even going to try and predict the box office weekend or grand total gross, because I'd probably be wrong. Journey to the Center of the Earth made over 100 million bucks over all which to me is just UNFATHOMABLE.

Well, I am just going to ignore this trailer, and hope the the R-rated and PG-13 movies I see don't have a trailer for it. The port-a-potty gag is just bad - unless they sign on with McDonalds to make a line of toys with Brendan Fraser covered in shit. Let's see, if I had to briefly be a fortune teller or a dude who can see into the future and use his powers to describe shitty movies, I'd say there will be a plethora of funny [boarder-line retarded] faces on behalf of Mr. Fraser, we already know about the port-a-potty gag via the trailer, but we can probably add anywhere from 3 to 10 'getting hit in the crotch' gags, along with hundreds of shitty CGI animals, a messy 'people=bad environment=good' message, one more crotch gag, and some really terrible one-liners.

Working with animals, real or fake, is tough. Did Dr. Doolittle 2 teach us nothing? So, just, Brendan Fraser, would you stop hurting me, please? Make the pain go away! Oh well - the Oscars are next Sunday so I guess I'll just hang in there until then. I have nothing else to say, besides maybe what is your favorite Brendan Fraser movie? And if that question boggles you and you can't think straight - then answer what is your least favorite Brendan Fraser moofie? And Sarah Palin, if you are reading this, apologies for using the word "retarded." You retard.

Oscars Schmoscars

Shiny gold statues. Blabbering celebrities. Dresses and shit. It's time for the Academy Awards! This time they are on ABC, they're 82 years old, and still as shitty as ever. I guess they caught Alec Baldwin in between taping 30 Rock and screaming at his daughter, while Steve Martin was not that busy evading producers and writers trying to show him the Pink Panther 3 script.

That is probably why they are hosting. Who will get swindled this year? What fancy-tie and jeans combo will James Cameron be sporting? Well I guess we will find out March 7th. I was horribly off with my Golden Globe predictions, so let's see how judgmental and wrong I'll be this time.

Will Tilda Swinton slither away from her alien subterranean cave for the red carpet this year?

Seriously though, Tilda Swinton is not from this planet. I actually google image searched her and had no problem trying to find an alien-like photo. On the other hand, it was pretty hard to find a photo where she looked human. A problem that no other celebrity has ... well maybe besides Gary Busey. I don't know what she was up to this year - maybe her human surrogate broke? Harvesting eggs? Growing some new skin? Who knows. All I know is that she scares me. A lot.

Anyways - usually after the Golden Globes and the British Oscars [BAFTA,] we have a good understanding of who may win what and who we don't care about. This year there is an interesting spin, with the expansion of the Best Picture category. It's all about that green stuff - not greed or envy or boogers - just cash. More movie DVD cases can write 'Best Picture Nominee' on it and such. Zang! Hollywood exposed. Right here. Information nobody else ever knew!!

I'm pretty sure I'm going to set it up like I did with the Globes - Who I WANT to win will be in red, Who I THINK will win will be in green, and if they are the SAME, it'll be in blue. I'm not anti-Avatar. It was a good movie. The best movie? Meh. I think that Avatar and District 9 will do very, very well with the technical awards - Star Trek may slip one or two in there. Now, again disclaimer: some of the nominees I want to win I know will not win - but hey, a boy can dream, right? And the nominees I think will win are just based off of popularity and the GG's and the British Oscars and buzz and such.

Performance by an actor in a leading role:

• Jeff Bridges in "Crazy Heart"
  
• George Clooney in "Up in the Air"
  
• Colin Firth in "A Single Man"
  
• Morgan Freeman in "Invictus"
  
• Jeremy Renner in "The Hurt Locker"
  

Performance by an actor in a supporting role:

• Matt Damon in "Invictus"
  
• Woody Harrelson in "The Messenger"
  
• Christopher Plummer in "The Last Station"
  
• Stanley Tucci in "The Lovely Bones"
  
• Christoph Waltz in "Inglourious Basterds"
  

Performance by an actress in a leading role:

• Sandra Bullock in "The Blind Side"
  
• Helen Mirren in "The Last Station"
• Carey Mulligan in "An Education"
  
• Gabourey Sidibe in "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire"
  
• Meryl Streep in "Julie & Julia"
  

Performance by an actress in a supporting role:

• Penélope Cruz in "Nine"
• Vera Farmiga in "Up in the Air"
  
• Maggie Gyllenhaal in "Crazy Heart"
  
• Anna Kendrick in "Up in the Air"
  
• Mo'Nique in "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire"

Best motion picture of the year:

• "Avatar"

• "The Blind Side"

• "District 9"

• "An Education"

• "The Hurt Locker"

• "Inglourious Basterds"

• "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire"

• "A Serious Man"

• "Up"

• "Up in the Air"

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)

• "Avatar"

• "Fantastic Mr. Fox"

• "The Hurt Locker"

• "Sherlock Holmes"

• "Up"	Michael Giacchino

Achievement in directing:

• "Avatar"

• "The Hurt Locker"

• "Inglourious Basterds"

• "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire"

• "Up in the Air"

Best foreign language film of the year:

• "Ajami"

• "El Secreto de Sus Ojos"

• "The Milk of Sorrow"

• "Un Prophète"

• "The White Ribbon"

Enjoy the show. Laugh at the weird reaction shots of random people in the audience. Go online and look up a drinking game for the awards ceremony. Make an Oscar Nomination Pool - put in some dough and maybe you'll get some. Watch with friends, make masks, eat, drink, have fun. Don't be the snobby movie critic and be pissy the entire night and ruin everything. I've seen that happen too many times. The night is just a waste of resources! Viva la Hollywood!

More Like 'Shudder Island'

Pardon the title - I've been feeling rather punny lately.

I'm surprised your still here after reading the first sentence of this post.

Martin Scorsese. Leo DiCaprio. A book to big screen remake of a Dennis Lehane novel. What more could you want? Don't be selfish now. I really really enjoyed this movie - I was hesitant after the release date was pushed back about a million times and then I watched the trailer too many times and thought I knew what was going to happen. Ha, WRONG! DiCaprio was kick ass in this flick, and if he is just as awesome as I think he'll be in Christopher Nolan's latest mind fuck Inception, I'll have an official man crush.

Now, again, just like the last moofie I took a look at, [District 9,] I will call Shutter Island a hybrid. Psychological Thriller/Drama/Crime-Noir-ish/Suspense/Hitchcockian/War-time/Dark and unrelenting, and other such descriptive words. It mixed and matched very well. It went above and beyond what I was thinking the film would do. The first hint at it's visual astonishment was during the trailer when he is holding his wife and she turns to ash. That was the first spark where I went 'Oooooh!' But again, just to beat into your heads, the visuals were breathtaking - not just the island, but the flashbacks and the contrast and how angry and harsh the reds were.

They kick your ass with the whole gloom and doom thing with the first ten minutes with the score. It just screams "Turn this boat around NOWW!!" And then there is the cliche line "A storms-a-coming." It all adds up. If the score doesn't crush your soul, then the grays and gothic look to everything will slit your throat. Please - Cinematographer, Art Director, DP, show yourselves!! I want to shake your hand[s.]

Now the last thing I want to ruin is the story, the plot - because it builds, it goes somewhere, and it doesn't stop. It just keeps pounding on you like the waves on the cliff-ridden island. You have to see it for yourself - collect the facts that are given to you, deduce some things, think and think and think. Now, I can see people being very 50/50 on this film - a very either 'Loved it' or 'Hated it' type-of-thing. Now it depends - how well do you like being fooled, like with twists and such? Some films are just hated for their twist - audiences hate being tricked, lied to and such. They see the build us as just a waste of time and then shit all over it. It can be very negative. I, however, enjoy the ride. And in most cases, the twists and turns as well.

This is not a perfect film - close maybe, but not perfect. It's few downfalls and mistakes are forgivable. Like you go 'Awww,' for a few seconds and then move on. That's what I did. The cast, in my opinion, only added to the awesomeness of the movie. I don't want to let you know which actor played this and what actress played that, because it was nice to see the talent make surprise appearances. Like when a character is introduced and you go 'Baah, that's whats' his face from you know what! Ooooo!' I love that. I did that several times during the film. The performances stand out on their own. They are all incredible.

Lastly, as a movie-goer, or film fanatic, or boyfriend/girlfriend dragged to a movie, or anything, don't get angry when a story or a character or a movie leaves you with questions. Some see a movie's job as "Hey, ask some fricken questions and then answer them, thank you very much." When it just so happens to not answer a question, or makes you scratch your head and go 'huh' or if it leaves you thinking, it did it's job. It got you to think! THINK! Shutter Island successfully does this. It's more than a movie: it's a thought, a question. YES!

Funny Things I Think Are Funny [6]

Lost.

Valentine's Day.

How could these two possibly be connected?

LOST VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS!!

Found em' on LiveJournal.







LOOOOOOOOOSSSSTT!

The Real Winner? Capitalism.

I bought a Snickers bar last night. I caved. Fuck you Super Bowl Ads!!

They worked. Good thing this shitty economy didn't screw things up for those corporations, right? Thank God!!!

These were my favorite commercials - totally didn't watch the game, just went on YouTube and Hulu and watched the ad re-cap.

[1] - This one hit all the sensors - I was creeped out, I laughed, I cried, I wanted to take a shower.


[2] - Michael C. Hall's voice. 'Nough said.


[3] - My love for Betty White, Snickers, and hurting old people will never cease.

Today Is Not About Football!

Apparently it's all about commercials.

I read an article this morning about how this economic climate may effect [yup, you guessed it,] the Super Bowl ads and possibly even the half-time show. Where else can one spend almost 2.6 million dollars on thirty seconds? Oh my dear lord, in this economy where I can only afford ketchup packets and used pillow cases, what are the mega-corporations going to do for the Super Bowl?

Bra ad?: Nope! Beer ad?: Wrong. Buy Cheerios. NOWWWW.

What will they do? How are they going to tell me what soft drink to mercilessly inject into myself for the next year? I need talking animals selling me candies and booze! Where are the bikinis? What do you mean no bikinis? I might as well just kill myself and my family during the first quarter. Go Saints.

Oh, here is one of my all time favorite commercials from la Super Bowl. I think it was from two or so years ago, but it got pulled right after it aired - they never showed it again. I had no idea Robot Suicide was that ballsy. Who needs political correctness?



And then there is this one: again, not that funny, but something about Robert Goulet crawling on the ceiling just gave me nightmares for the rest of the month.



Enjoy the game - watch the commercials - buy buy, sell sell. Be a good consumer. Capitalism is alive and well, [today at least.] Big bro is watching you. He is also rooting for the Colts. Fuck him.