Funny Things That I Think Are Funny [12]

Oh, wait, Stalin was just a jerk? Ohhhhhhh - that explains it. This is funny for the sole reason of it's stupidity. People are dumb. What's left of the History Major inside of me just EXPLODED.

Spring has Sprong!

Or is it sprang? Sprung? Spring - wait, no. Spryng? Well shit. The weather is getting nicer - fuck it. Here is a pretty picture of flowers and maybe a kitten:

I think I may vomit.

Well anyway, just in time for Spring, here is a movie review. It involves all things spring: medical students on spring break, the Norwegian Alps, snow, zombies, Nazi's, and Nazi-Zombies.

Zombies: oh yes, I do enjoy a good zombie film. Nazis: I am quite the history buff and I do enjoy Hitler and his shenanigans. Wait, these two things together? Nazi-Zombies? HELL YES! This movie was cliche-tastic! This flick embraced them, exploited them, made reference to a few of them, and made it look ultra-gory-licious. Many people are saying this is a clear rip-off of Evil Dead 1 & 2 and apparently there is a WWII video game with Nazi Zombies ... but I say you can never get enough Nazi-Zombies, and when one wants to include them in any aspect of entertainment: DO IT!

The movie itself in dialogue references Evil Dead 1 & 2, and there are some awesome deaths, [with one in particular that is quite Evil Dead-ish,] so this movie is more of an homage to that flick and other films like it. The walking cliche, Erlend (a fat funny guy obsessed with movies - who has sex first ... hint hint,) is even wearing a "Brain Dead" t-shirt!!! Brain Dead aka Dead Alive aka my all time favorite Peter Jackson movie and classic horror comedy shtick flick.

I said 'Dead Alive' - not the band Dead or Alive. Shit.

You spin me right round baby right round! One of my favorite cliche-erific moments was when the few cabin mates left decide to split up. Not only does that mean certain death, but the two that leave the cabin then think about splitting up themselves!! That's double the death! So, if you like your horror movies cliche-tastic-erific, funny, subtitled, gory, and quite snowy, you are in luck sir.

I can't tell you how many times any given character heard a noise far away, said "Hello? Anybody there?" or said the another characters name and then investigated it further. I lost count after the 6th time. Yes, and it had one of my favorite, slightly under-used cliche, the accidental death, or the "whoopsy daisy," as Daniel Day-Lewis might say. PS: one of the actors names is Stig Frode Henriksen. Really. That is his name. By the way, the opening scene of this moofie was fantastic. Or it just could be my love for classical music and chase sequences.

Alice in Whatderland

Alice in ... Wonderland? Underland? Whatderland?

Just to get this out of the way: I'm done with people complaining about how this film wasn't 'Tim Burton-y enough' or it was 'light/diet Tim Burton.' I'm not saying this is like at-his-best wacky Beetlejuice or Eddie Scissorhands Tim Burton, but it's far better than [dare I speak of it,] Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Yes, goths and Hot Topic-tards are going to rejoice with the black & white striped clothing that will be released, with a splash of red here and there, but who are you to judge what is and isn't Tim Burton? I think that's up to his fucked up head if you ask me.

The movie-film wasn't as dark as Sweeney [uh, hello PG rating] but it wasn't as bright and fantastical as Charlie and the Shit Factory. Fantastical maybe, but still dark. The start of the flick really excited me - it was like a Victorian-ish Kandinsky painting - with not people walking around, but over-the-top character-nitwits snobbing it up left and right as an absurdist portrait of a fancy time. Leo Bill [who played the ginger twit in the beginning and end] was delightful - a perfect caricature for a Tim Burton film. He was also in Tarsem's 'The Fall' - another visually astonishing flick.

Performance wise, you have Sir Jonathan Depp, so you kind of know what you are getting into. Also, it's Depp in a Burton flick, so you should really know what you are getting into. It's Depp for the sake of Depp - no complaints, but nothing miraculous either. The mood changing eyes and somebody always having to stop him before he goes bonkers was a nice touch. I also liked the red hair. His face bothered me quite a bit though - twas a little too stagey for me. If this was a play, it would have looked spectacular, the paleness, the cheekbones sticking out and the eyes - wow! But on film, it didn't transfer over that well to me. And besides the audibility problems, it was just OK.

I have heard wonders about Mia Bom Chicka Wawasikowska. [Fuck you Papp for getting to the word play of her last name before I could.] I have also heard about how Anne Hathaway blows. I am actually quite the opposite. I didn't have too too much of a problem with la White Queen, yes things here and there like all the gesturing and faces - but, on the other hand, we have Alice. Nothing really blew me away about Alice. I saw acting - I saw her acting - it was quite upsetting actually. You are not supposed to see acting in a movie - especially in a really good one.

I adored everything about Helena Bonham Carters' Red Queen. Besides the whole being the play-thing of the director, the role did really suit her. Perfectly over-the-top and she stole every scene she was in. Her court really did just slap me with awesomeness and I was in awe. From the monkeys holding candles and tables and such, the frogs and pigs and fish in suits, oh and the people behind her. Perfect. The other over-sized body parts were just fantastic. Ears, nose, stomach, ta-tas, and chins and foreheads and such. They didn't speak much, but visually, they packed a punch.

I wonder if Depp or Burton asked Crispin about his role in Epic Movie.

Crispin Glover. Oh, where do we begin? Besides being one of the only visual things that took me out of Wonderland, [Underland? Meh, fuck it,] he was just blehck. He is lanky and gangly already, so why add a few unnecessary feet to him? He actually wraps his "arm" around Depp's neck in one scene, and it just looked fake. Fake is a harsh term for a CGI-heavy movie - and I only wanted to use it once. He reminded me of a goth Gumby. [Fuck you Papp again for making the Back to the Future reference before I could.] I have start seeing movies sooner. Jeez.

Other performance thoughts: I guess I just wanted more Cheshire Cat, less Doormouse, A LOT more March Hare [my favorite side-character by far - the tea-party side had me chuckling like crazy,] I was fine with the Caterpillar, more lines for Matt Lucas would have been nice, (the Tweedle's were underused,) the White Rabbit was fine, the Dodo bird was forgettable, Timmy Spall's Bayard the hound was delightful, more flower people would be preferable, and finally I think I would have been content if the Jabberwocky stayed silent. Maybe they should have lent Christopher Lee's voice to the Bandersnatch. Burton had to get him in there somewhere I suppose. Anyway, I'm pretty sure if there were more of the supporting characters, that would make them not 'supporting' anymore and I suppose they would over shadow Alice MORE than they already do.

I'm pretty sure they only reason it was in 3D was because of Avatar and so that the March Hare could throw things at the audience and people could go "Whoa!" Danny Elfman's score was pretty tame, and I'm ignoring the Avril Lavigne song used for the credits. I'm a sucker for chess and playing card themed shit. I was in heaven. I also hope that Tim Burton stays away from The Addams Family. Talks are that he wants to do a stop-motion type thing and get back into that, which is a little better than a live-action or 3D version.

Yes, the story is sacrificed over a copper bowl of goat's blood so that we could be bedazzled and shma-shmazed visually, and boy does it bedazzle, but this flick does fall into some old patterns. While some think that the flick isn't Burton enough, I think it's just fine. Alice has to jump onto floating dead people's faces to get across the moat to the Red Queen's castle. Really? Not Burton enough for you? How about we throw in a Knave of Hearts rape scene? Will that satisfy your urge? The film is entertaining. It's just what I needed. I am quite the escapist, and it was nice to be transported to the creepy perverted mind of Lewis Carroll and the demented brain of Tim Burton. Besides a few dance bits at the end of the movie that I am erasing from my head, it was enjoyable.

Funny Things I Think Are Funny [11]

I want a lamb. RIGHT NOW.



I really really need to buy a farm or some animals or something. There will be cute videos and pictures flying out of this blog like nobody's business!

I also need to buy a gun - to shoot the woman speaking in this video. Maybe the lamb was trying to get away from her hideous shriek of a voice.

Funny Things I Think Are Funny [10]

A funny SNL skit? Yah, there are still some out there. Thank you Bobby Moynihan and Pearl Jam, thank you.



Things that should have got a laugh [or a bigger laugh:] Jude Law's many crazy faces, the "Everyone here is smoking on the plane" line, Bobby Moynihan in the "Gremlin" suit, and the last minute of the sketch with the 'Gremlin' wife.

Bravo SNL.

Pan's Labyrinth

Let me guess. You saw this and just shit yourself, right?

I recently told somebody that I haven't seen Pan's Labyrinth ... and they scolded me. Harshly. Now that I have indeed seen this movie film, I know why their tongue was so quick to lash out. This flick is gorgeous. Is it a fairy tale? Yes. Is it a war movie? Yes. Like Papp said, this move works on several different levels. I don't know what kind of mythologies and fairy tales that del Toro grew up with, but they would probably scare the shit out of me. I might show this movie to my kids when they turn 17. Maybe. It depends on how many nightmares I want to give them. Hell, my father let me see A Clockwork Orange and The Shining when I was 11 years old, and there is nothing wrong with me! [Wait, just thought about that ... this actually explains a lot. I am fucked up! HA!] Thanks dad.

Anyway, I am a fan of anything Cafe FX - the special effects throughout looked amazing. Violence wise ... fairy/insect wise ... blood and such. Cafe also did a lot of work on Stephen King's The Mist. I love dark, dark movies and color palates because when there is blood, it really POPS. The motions and movements of Faun and Pale Man still creep me out - Doug Jones is a master of miming and movement and he just rocked it. Something I have been mentioning in recent reviews are acts and examples of 'Character Douchebaggery.' The Captain [Vidal] is certainly a douche nozzle, and it almost reaches Col. Hans Landa proportions. Near the end of the flick, with his encounter with a knife, his "smile" reminded me of Jack Nicholson's Joker. I cringed and flipped out and just lost it at that point.

That is how invested I was in the characters and in the story [stories.] del Toro has a masterpiece here - it delighted me, frightened me, and upset me. It made me think. Oh, and can we just talk a second about transitions? Every single time this movie transitioned into another scene I was just in awe. It was done superbly - subtle but amazing. Now I'm humming that lullaby - I just watched the second disc with the special features and he just went into detail about the colors and look of the movie. [I think he knew I was writing this.] See this movie. Reminded me of the movie 'The Fall' - many different levels and layers - the colors themselves tell a story - effective editing and such. They are both great flicks.

I think Ebert said that this is a 'fairy tale for grown ups.' I agree and disagree with that. It tingles my inner child, so could it be a fairy tale for that? It's certainly not just for kids - I have a poor dead Spanish boy with his face broken and nose smashed in from the movie in to agree with me. Some parts yes, others no. All in all, it's an orgy for the senses - it feeds your imagination and creeps you the fuck out. It's brilliant. Just brilliant.

Funny Things I Think Are Funny [9]

She's just a stupid bitch!

Papp Schnapp's Movie Recaps: Spiderman 3

I am pleased to bring back my friend John Papp's sassy and awesome movie reviews and other such nonsense. Oh, and with all this talk of a Spiderman reboot with maybe-director Mark Webb from (500) Days of Summer fame, and the shitty Spiderman broadway musical that has been delayed thousands of times, what can be more relevant? Here is a short but sweet one:

Looks almost as painful as watching this movie.

[Note, this shit has zero stars. I only gave it half so you could see the review.]

This movie is a piece of fucking shit.

The entire thing is so lazily fucking put together, that Sam Raimi couldn't give a shit whether we're interested or not, he just wants our fucking money.

First of all, these characters are adults. So why do they fucking act like little pussy emo bitches who cry and whine and go to the mall? God, the script makes every possible character (including Aunt May) into a black-wearing, long hair over the face-sporting, eye shadow-wearing emo fucking cunt. When Peter goes "evil"? Yeah, he turns emo. Ooooh, character development!

Yeah, fuck this steaming pile of horse vomit.

Villains? Way too fucking many. Fuck Venom. Why did Topher Grace play him? Can someone answer that? A musclebound alien played by the dork from That 70s Show? Tom Church's Sandman is played well, but the movie stops giving a shit about him halfway through. James Franco squints and pouts like a little spoiled brat.... Er, okay. That's fine, then. Franco's cool.

But there are so many goddamn characters jammed into this, that none of them serve any purpose whatsoever. By the time the movie's done, you've stopped caring at all, because the only thing mattering are the effects, which, while awesome, shouldn't be the main draw considering the previous two were about characterization.

AND THAT STUPID PLOT TWIST. "Hi, I'm the butler who's gonna show up in the 3rd act and change your personality completely and then fade into the background!"

Who fucking wrote this movie, a retarded giraffe?

Spider-Man 3 is the worst movie I've ever seen.

Not really, but I'm glad to say that I enjoy Batman & Robin more than this stupid, unfunny, and ultimately retarded attempt at me exchanging money for a shit-smeared dog semen fest that calls itself a "movie".

Zero fucking stars.

Funny Things I Think Are Funny [8]

Catchphrase!

Oh, and Oscars wise, I pretty much nailed them besides Best Foreign Language Film and some of the technical awards. Twas an easy year for guessing.

Funny Things I Think Are Funny [7]

French people are le crazy.

70 Million de Hold Your Horses !
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YAY ART!